Deadline for Fray Bentos: August 10th

Paul here, blogging on my Dad’s account cos I can’t remember my login details. Why haven’t we just sorted out retinal scanning for all our online and offline activity yet?

Anyway, just a week to go until the Premier League kicks off and, like Jose Mourinho, I’m annoyed with my team selection and not really in the mood.

Fray Bentos winner Gary Chapman celebrates many years ahead of the actual event with – I think – Max. Max is 8 years old today and has entered Fray Bentos for the first time.

But that’s not the spirit. So ignore me. In the meantime there are already 29 hardy souls lined up in Fray Bentos which is great. However, got to say, there are more dicks in Fray Bentos at the moment than a Donald Trump convention. Wall to wall sausage. Where da women at?  How many Matt’s? 3. How many John’s? 3. How many Y chromosones? Nada. So, if there is a woman in your life who wants to join in, please invite her…

The code you will need to join the league is 225934-45759. Thanks to league admin Nick Gauntlett for that.

Not much else to add. I may be wrong but I’ve not spotted any rules changes this year. If that’s incorrect please let me know in the comments below.

Salah. 13m! Blimey.

I have literally nothing else to add. Goodbye.

GW6: Jesus Saves (himself for Europe)

After a successful trial for youngster Matt O’Reilly in Gameweek 4, this week we hand over the guest reins to a veritable Harry Redknapp of the writing game, John Chapman. When not tending to his estate, or dashing off a quick colour supplement for World Soccer, John tweets about Belgian footy on his Belgofoot account.

John writes: The call from the Fray Bentos boys came in after midnight. Would I like to cover Fantasy Premier League GW6 – no pay but great exposure? It was an offer I couldn’t refuse.

Man of the week was Chelsea’s Álvaro Morata – whom coach Antonio Conte sees as a prospective husband for his daughter. Morata weighed in with three goals and 17 points, just ahead of Manchester City’s Leroy Sané.

Sané’s selection for City caused much gnashing of teeth within the Fray Bentos faithful as he replaced the ever-popular Jesus. Never an easy task. It almost certainly led to Mike Pollard’s The Unconsoled being knocked off the top spot as not only did Mike see Jesus drop to the bench without any points but also suffer from Conte’s substitution of Marcos Alonso in the 59^th minute. (Ed: You must play 60 minutes to get points for a clean sheet).  The Twittersphere was immediately full of stories that Conte was participating in a high-stakes fantasy league and didn’t have Alonso in his squad.

All of this meant that Donovan Lambert’s Dilettante Donkeys went clear at the top, thanks to Morata, Romelu Lukaku (Ed: useful striker) and David Silva. When he’s not checking out Premier League form, Donovan has been known to complete the odd triathlon.

Elsewhere in the upper echelons, Paul Chapman’s Los Yobos and Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC swapped positions with the Yobos going third. Leaving the top five were Trevor Garrett’s Penfolds Patriots, as they also put too much faith in Jesus, to be replaced by (They Call Me) Mr Donkin’s Wellesley Wanderers (33 points from his City boys).

Top score of the week went to Jon Exon-Taylor’s The Midwives with 82 points, all scored on the Saturday. He managed to stay ahead of a handful of punters – including Mr. Donkin – on 80 points. Remarkably, The Midwives dropped a place to 17^th. No, I don’t understand either.

A bunch of teams climbed five places, while Mac McNicoll was the biggest faller as his Mo Salah Mo Problems boys dropped eight places to the 30^th spot. And yes, he loves Jesus too – to the extent of making him captain for the day.

There‘s always quite a bit of interest at the sharp end of the table. Scott Grierson’s Rosbroch FC started the day with a one-point lead over Alison Breakwell’s Raised by Wolves. It didn’t last as Scott’s men opened up a sizeable gap with a useful score of 74. Alison had to be content with 57 points, even after playing her wildcard. She also suffered when Conte pulled off Alonso. After the game, the Chelsea man was heard to say that, at Fiorentina, they only got an orange if they were substituted.

The holiday season approaches

My boys look a bit tired ahead of the Christmas games, here are my thoughts ahead of this weekend:

1. Four of my squad are crocked.
2. The other 11 don’t look great.
3. I have 6 players from Liverpool and Everton. Why am I doing this?
4. No United players as it’s a season of transition at Old Trafford.
5. Due to an EU regulation, I have to play Premiership Fantasy Football in the language of the country I reside in. This partly explains my poor showing.