GW23: Signings, Salah and Stats

Welcome back dear reader. As my fantasy fortunes continue to plummet, I find it hard to summon the enthusiasm to write. And so, like an onanist with two broken arms, I’ve relied on a friend to give me a hand. And reading Matt O’Reilly’s report, I’m already regretting it. Matt writes:

Transfer season is upon us (again), although this time around it’s been pretty sedate so far. Coutinho’s off to Barcelona, while Arsenal and Man Utd are battling over custody of Alexis Sanchez and arguing about who should look after Henrikh Mkhitaryan at weekends. Over at Goodison Park, meanwhile, walking-advert-for-Brexit, Sam Allardyce, is stuffing his attack with as many English players as he can lay his hands on, having already signed Theo Walcott and reportedly interested in Jamie Vardy. Perhaps Big Sam is looking ahead to March 2019 with a gleeful eye on the post-Brexit world where all non-Brits will be banned from playing in the Premier League. Such fears can also be the only logical explanation behind Chelsea’s reported interest in football’s leading pensioner, Peter Crouch. Either that or the Chelsea owners are playing the prank of the century on Antonio Conte.

With another couple of weeks before the January transfer window closes, there may yet be more excitement to come. But GW23 didn’t require added excitement – it was a high-scoring bonanza for almost everyone in the Fray Bentos family. Special mention, therefore, to Ricko Lambermontini’s Un Pacquet a 40 Avec who managed a measly 33 points for the week – 25 below the average and a whopping 75 points below league top-scorer, Gary Chapman’s GFC ©. For most normal people, however, it was a week of 50+ scores. Many of us were helped by the return to scoring ways of Harry Kane and Mo Salah, while everybody’s favourite fantasy keeper, David de Gea, picked up another 7 points, placing him 22 points ahead of his closest rival, Courtois, for the season.

As for league standings, things are hotting up at the top. Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC clings on to the top spot, 3 points ahead of GFC © who are in turn just 3 points ahead of Trevor Garrett’s Penfolds Patriots. At the other end of the table, Raymond Smith’s Alasdair’s Army are comfortably bottom by a whopping 85 point margin. It’s not entirely clear which army Raymond is basing his team on – perhaps the 300-strong Vanuatu Mobile Force of men and women who are, reportedly, lightly armed. If Raymond or the Vanuatu Mobile Force are looking for a new motto, “Weak in defence, weak in attack” might be a good option.

This week, Los Yobos’ manager, Paul Chapman, has been playing the Debbie McGee to my Paul Daniels by combing through the Fray Bentos stats for some juicy nuggets. So, what did he find?

There is no relationship between number of transfers made and league performance: Donovan Lambert (Dilettante Donkeys) and Gary Young (Always Next Year) have made the fewest transfers this season (8 apiece), but while Gary occupies a top-ten spot, Donovan lingers in 28th. Not switching has also lumbered Lambert with the least valuable team in the league (£97.9m), equal to that other high-flyer Raymond Smith. By contrast, making lots of transfers (46) can either leave you down in 34th (good going, Matthew Ashmanac) or climbing to the giddy heights of 15 (congratulations, John Chapman).

And while we’re on the Chapmen, let’s take a look at how the trio of Paul, Gary and John (aka ITPD – IT Paul’s Dad) have been faring since the start of the season. While Gary has been taking it slow and steady since August, ITP and ITPD have clearly traded tactics with Paul now emulating his dad’s atrocious start to the season. The message? Footballing nous is not evenly distributed among the Chapmen.

‘Hey! Fantasy Football Managers! Leave them teams alone’: 5 players have not played their wildcard, among them tenth-placed Gary Young’s Always Next Year. With the fewest transfers and no wildcard played, it’s clear that the affliction that affects so many men – constant tinkering – is not bothering Gary and nor is it having any discernibly detrimental impact on his performance.

Finally, fashion is not the forte of most managers here: There are many approaches to designing a football kit. Most of the Fray Bentos fraternity have opted for the entirely blank, couldn’t-be-arsed-to-make-one look, but a few of you have put some effort in. Some have stolen from existing kits, some borrowed from other sports and some, well some managers may need to seek professional advice based on their kit choice.

I opt for an obscure foreign kit. Whose?

Los Yobos’ kit – designed by the blind

Perfect for Oswald Mosley and emos alike

Pats’ Nice Boys borrows from the Warrington Wolves kit.