END OF SEASON: GMAN WINS!!!

And so, the end is near… Actually, that’s the opening sentence of the last three posts I didn’t write! Sorry fantasy fans!

So without further ado, congratulations to the 2017/18 Fray Bentos Champion… GARY CHAPMAN! Gary Chapman, Manager of GFC(C), is currently residing in Macau for tax purposes and to escape the clutches of a shadowy Colombian Drug Cartel, but he was able to send us this picture…

Well played Cuz, well played. With 5 weeks to go Gary was embroiled in an epic battle with Trevor Garrett’s Penfold Patriots, but in the end Gary pulled himself off and was able to whizz over the line. Nice.

Third place went to Mr Donkin’s Wellesley Wanderers, cementing a very fine year indeed. Sterling work.

Rounding out the top 5 were John Chapman’s AC Persiceto – who were the form team in the final weeks and, according to an anonymous source in Italy, would DEFINITELY have finished third if the season was two weeks longer – and Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC. A mixed season for the Bench Warmers, leading the way for a long time, then plummeting like a stone only for a late rally at the end. Off the pitch, it was impressive to see how the birth of his firstborn had no impact on the time Tom was able to devote to Fantasy Football. Parenting goals.

And at the other end of the table, an incredible story. Having been bottom of the table since approximately… *checks records* the dawn of time, Raymond Smith’s Alasdairs Army scored 75 points to RISE to 37th, outscoring Ricko Lambertmontino’s Un Paquet A 40 Avec by 18 points for the week and 9 points overall. Huge congrats to Raymond, but commiserations to Ricko.

With that out of the way, who fancies some stats? Yes yes Hopey, we know you do. I mean who else? All of you? Good.

END OF SEASON AWARDS (in collaboration with Matt O’Reilly)

• • GOLDEN BOOT: Gary Chapman and ADAM GENT (120 goals scored over season)
  • LEAST TEENAGE:  Andy Dawkins (71 clean sheets)
  • LOADSAMONEY: Gary Chapman (final squad value of 105.3m)
  • FLOOSY: John Chapman (95 unique players used)
  • TIGHTWAD(S): Andy Dawkins, Steve Morgan, Mac McNicoll and Scott Grierson spent ZERO points on transfers
  • TOP CAP: Ian Waller (608 points scored by his choice of Captains)
  • PYRRHIC VICTORY: Paul Hope (332 points left on the bench in total)
  • KEEPER SWEEPER: Paul Hope (197 points scored by Keepers)
  • DEFENSIVE ROCK: Kerstin Muller (556 points scored by Defenders)
  • MIDFIELD MAESTRO: Mr Donkin (943 points scored by Midfielders)
  • FORWARD THINKER: Gary Baker (554 points scored by Forwards)
  • WORKSHY FOP: Raymond Smith (31,038 minutes worth of Players being on the pitch, the least in the league)
  • GOALSHY FLOP: Ricko Lambermontino (57 goals scored)
  • PASS ARTIST: Mr Donkin and Gary Chapman
  • YELLOW PERIL: Donovan Lambert (64 Yellow cards)
  • SHRINKING VIOLET: Mac McNicoll (28 Yellow cards)
  • DIRTY BASTARD: Trevor Garrett (4 Red cards)
  • BRUCIE BONUS: John Chapman (210 bonus points earned)

Matt O’Reilly of Draxler Utd has also done some digging and came up with this interesting take on second place Trevor Garrett:

Basically, there’s no way Penfolds Patriots should have finished second. They had:

• A lower number of GW transfers than all but one other person in the top 10 and were 13 under the average number of transfers for the top 10.
• They had the lowest value team of any in the top 10
• They were 20^th in goals scored
• Topped the red cards received (4)

BUT

• Second for clean sheets
• Second for most captain points

Thanks for that Stato!

And so that’s it for another season. It’s been fun. I don’t know if I’ll repeat the blog attempt next year, it got a real slog towards the end. But thanks to those who helped out, much appreciated. Maybe I can share the load a little more next season, never been a great delegater.

There are plans afoot to watch a World Cup game in a central London location with a couple of other managers, will post a quick invite on here once the dates are confirmed, all Fray Bentosians in the vacinity are welcome.

I’m also wondering whether 37 in the league is a bit unwieldy, and whether we need a Fray Bentos League 1 and League 2? But probably a ball ache to arrange. Thoughts (in the comments) welcome,

Oh, and where did the amazing amount of stats come from? Another find from Matt O’Reilly, check em out for yourself: https://fplmystats.com/league/92175/

And that really is it. Really.

 

 

 

 

GW33: GFC and Patriots get Topsy Turvy

Gameweek 33 was a relatively low scoring week, so hat tip to hitherto unheralded Kirst’s Killers, led by Kerstin Muller. Muller’s high scorers were Vardy, Azpiliqwerty and Cork, combining to 37 of the total 59. A distant but still creditable second was Alasdair’s Army, whose 48 points saw Raymond Conley-Smith rise from a bottom of the league to… well, it was a good score.

Third highest of the week was 47 points and was scored by Trevor Garret’s Penfolds Patriots, meaning YET AGAIN the league leadership changed hands. Barring a Roma style comeback it’s a two horser race for the title this season, with Gary Chapman’s GFC now 4 points behind. Will this weeks double fixtures prove decisive? I have no idea, but it’s less likely that just 6 points will separate the top two as this week.

40 odd points below the top two, there is another two horse race as 2nd by Christmas and Wellesley Wanderers battle it out for 3rd place. 3 points the difference in scores this week mean Andrew Donkin’s WW are 3 points ahead of 2nd BC. It’s a nail-biter!

And another 30/40 points below those two reprobates it’s a large field of mediocrity battling it out for the Europa league position. Wallers 1’s to Watch currently hold 5th, but there are 4 or even 5 below who could conceivably snatch it.

Back in the real world, there is more interest in the league than there has been for a while. As Liverpool progress in the Champs League at the expense of Oil Money City, a game that tragically somebody had to win, what does this mean in terms of game time for star man Mo Salah, or Firmino? Paul Pogba appears to have finally found a hair stylist he is happy with and is back playing football, could be upset the apple cart with some dazzling performances? And Danny Welbeck has re-appeared! Some interesting options with not one but two double gameweeks coming up.

Anyway, transfer deadline is in 22 minutes, so I’ll post this now in case anyone has forgotten, and to be honest I have little else to say.

Good luck managers!

GW31: Mo Better, Blues top score

Well, so much for a quiet four-match Gameweek 31! Having expected some lowish scores, with perhaps some interest coming from the difference between the Free Hitters and the non-Free Hitters, we were instead served up with a Points Feast! And who was serving up the Goal main course, with a side helping of Assist and a Bonus Points jus? Firmino! No, of course not, MO SALAH!

Seriously, the guy is incredible. He’s the best player to be flogged by Chelsea for being rubbish since Kevin De Bruyne. Top points scorer ever in this Fantasy Competition I believe (citation needed) and he still has 7 games to go!

Huddersfields Stephen Mounie, accompanied by his WAG.

Unsurprisingly, Big Mo (what? Fellaini? – Ed) featured hugely in the league this week. 19 of the top 20 (I stopped counting after that) had Mo in the team, 15 of that 19 had him as Captain. Of the 4 who had Mo but Captained someone else, perhaps most gutted was last weeks’ #1 Gary Chapman of GFC © fame. Gary had Mo in the side but bravely – some would say mind-bendingly stupidly – captained a bloke I haven’t heard of, Mounie, of – I think – Huddersfield. Fair play, apparently Mounie had good shots per game stats coming into the game, but this is a gamble that did not pay off. In fact, as a gamble it failed so badly that it’d be no surprise to see Gary having to stump up £10bn to the DUP just to preserve his first place. But Gary doesn’t have £10bn. Still, Gary can be relieved in a way, as though his decision may have cost him top spot, he only scored 9 points less than new leader Trevor Garrett of Penfolds Patriots.

That said, Gary’s 63 points came from 9 players, Trevor’s 72 points came from 4!!!

Another leading team regretting not captaining Mo was Tom Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC, dropping down to 5^th. Filling out the top 5, Andy Dawkins 2^nd by Christmas are set to be 3^rd by Easter and Andy Donkins Wellesley Wanderers remain 4^th, having scored a decent 80 points while also splurging out 20 points worth on transfers. Has Donkin pulled off the masterstroke that will propel him to victory? Time will tell.

Again looking just at the top 20, 9 players played their Free Hits card (unlimited transfers, then your team reverts back to how it was the week before). Of these teams, Adam Gent and his False Flag Blues can feel proud of their work, top scoring for the week with a huge 113 points. And even more impressive, Nick Gauntlett and his Grunties managed 110 points without a Free Hit or any other performance enhancing substance (if you ignore the Cocaine laced with Viagra that Nick snorts through a used £50 every hour on the hour).

And who was the one team in the top 20 who didn’t have Mo Salah you ask? Why it’s 20^th placed The English, one of two teams in the league who have a strict entry policy. In the case of The English it is players who like Sausage and Eggs for breakfast… actually, no, it’s players who are English. So no mystery that Mo ain’t there, but perhaps more of a mystery how a team with that severe a handicap got to 20^th in the first place.

And the other team with a strict entry policy? Why that’s Pats Nice Boys of course! Pats Alcantara makes no apologies for only having ‘nice boys’ in his team, although eyebrows were raised when somehow Harry Kane got a pass given he bears more than a passing resemblance to the Gold Cup winner at Cheltenham. Pat interestingly chose to play his Wildcard this week, and looking at the players he’s chosen I can only assume that they are VERY good looking indeed, there can be no other explanation. Sorry Pat – tough love from IT Paul.

But Pat didn’t come bottom this week. This ‘honour’ went to a team who last week were being feted for their March form. But was it the kiss of death? This week the annoyingly named Dilettante Donkeys could only manage 10 points for their manager, which is roughly 30% of what Salah scored alone. After his strong run, was Donovan Lambert paid to take a dive by a shady east Asian betting syndicate? Questions to answer.

Glenn Hoddle, England

Last and, for the time being, least, signs of life from Raymond Conley-Smith and Alasdairs Army. After months of seeming inactivity, Raymond has leapt into action and has now made 3 transfers since February! And it’s paying dividends. In have come Tottenham’s Davies, Swansea’s Fabiwotsit and Liverpool’s Robertson, out have gone Glen Hoddle, Graeme Sounness and Bert Trautmann. The resulting 81 points this week means Raymond is now just 75 points off second bottom, too little too late? Stranger things have happened*.

That’s it. A longer update than planned, but god knows I owed this blog some love and attention. Keep your comments coming in, lots of fun to come, including some double gameweeks what with cup competitions etc. All to play for.

Up the Bentos!

*No, they haven’t.

GW26: Patriots plant flag, Rambo bags 3

An increasingly rare report that lands at least the day before the actual matches start, does anyone have anything to say about it? Do they? Well? Right, let’s move on.

Top score this week was Keith Lambert’s The Lamb with 78 big ones. Points were spread around liberally, with Danilo, Doucoure, GroB, Salah and even goal-shy fop Lukaku chipping in. Keith’s haul saw him leap up to 7th from, I think, just outside the top ten the week previous, chapeu Keith.

At the other end of the fantasy wedge, Mark Winter’s Expecting Failure won’t have been surprised to score just 20 points. No Mahrez for Mark, at least his second highest scoring starter was his captain, but sadly his second highest scoring starter was Sterling, who scored 3. On the bench, reserve keeper Lossl scored 10 points, or 50% of the starting 11 put together. Oh dear.

At the top, after weeks of Bench Warmers FC showing the rest of us his suspicously pert behind, we have yet another new leader. Penfolds Patriots went top with 51 points, thanks in no small part to Captain Mo Salah delivering double his juicy 15 points. Dropping back to second was Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) who scored roughly the same amount of points as Trevor but had the misfortune to hand the captains armband to Sergio Aguero who delivered two times… two. Thanks for that Sergio.

Little other change in the top 10, a bit of nip and tuck, but a tawdry 28 points for Paul Hope’s English XI saw them drop two places to 8th. And my own dismal run of form saw Los Yobos clinging to the top 10 by two points. A small man in my position would point to Captain Kane missing a pen, my Palace defender being stretchered off after 20 minutes, and Marco Alonso being mysteriously dropped by a manager who appears to have seen how much cash he’ll get if he’s fired by Abramovich. And so I point to all those things.

Last and least, but with a rare ray of good news, Raymond Conley Smith’s Alasdairs Army scored a, relatively, mammoth 48 points to remind us all that he’s not finished yet. Salah and GroB providing the rump of the points.

On the actual football pitches of real life, top scorer as a player was Rambo Ramsey with useful scores also posted by newly moved Mkhitaryan and newly re-transferred from Barca Gerard Deulofeu. Interesting transfer options? Don’t ask me.

That’s your lot!

GW23: Signings, Salah and Stats

Welcome back dear reader. As my fantasy fortunes continue to plummet, I find it hard to summon the enthusiasm to write. And so, like an onanist with two broken arms, I’ve relied on a friend to give me a hand. And reading Matt O’Reilly’s report, I’m already regretting it. Matt writes:

Transfer season is upon us (again), although this time around it’s been pretty sedate so far. Coutinho’s off to Barcelona, while Arsenal and Man Utd are battling over custody of Alexis Sanchez and arguing about who should look after Henrikh Mkhitaryan at weekends. Over at Goodison Park, meanwhile, walking-advert-for-Brexit, Sam Allardyce, is stuffing his attack with as many English players as he can lay his hands on, having already signed Theo Walcott and reportedly interested in Jamie Vardy. Perhaps Big Sam is looking ahead to March 2019 with a gleeful eye on the post-Brexit world where all non-Brits will be banned from playing in the Premier League. Such fears can also be the only logical explanation behind Chelsea’s reported interest in football’s leading pensioner, Peter Crouch. Either that or the Chelsea owners are playing the prank of the century on Antonio Conte.

With another couple of weeks before the January transfer window closes, there may yet be more excitement to come. But GW23 didn’t require added excitement – it was a high-scoring bonanza for almost everyone in the Fray Bentos family. Special mention, therefore, to Ricko Lambermontini’s Un Pacquet a 40 Avec who managed a measly 33 points for the week – 25 below the average and a whopping 75 points below league top-scorer, Gary Chapman’s GFC ©. For most normal people, however, it was a week of 50+ scores. Many of us were helped by the return to scoring ways of Harry Kane and Mo Salah, while everybody’s favourite fantasy keeper, David de Gea, picked up another 7 points, placing him 22 points ahead of his closest rival, Courtois, for the season.

As for league standings, things are hotting up at the top. Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC clings on to the top spot, 3 points ahead of GFC © who are in turn just 3 points ahead of Trevor Garrett’s Penfolds Patriots. At the other end of the table, Raymond Smith’s Alasdair’s Army are comfortably bottom by a whopping 85 point margin. It’s not entirely clear which army Raymond is basing his team on – perhaps the 300-strong Vanuatu Mobile Force of men and women who are, reportedly, lightly armed. If Raymond or the Vanuatu Mobile Force are looking for a new motto, “Weak in defence, weak in attack” might be a good option.

This week, Los Yobos’ manager, Paul Chapman, has been playing the Debbie McGee to my Paul Daniels by combing through the Fray Bentos stats for some juicy nuggets. So, what did he find?

There is no relationship between number of transfers made and league performance: Donovan Lambert (Dilettante Donkeys) and Gary Young (Always Next Year) have made the fewest transfers this season (8 apiece), but while Gary occupies a top-ten spot, Donovan lingers in 28th. Not switching has also lumbered Lambert with the least valuable team in the league (£97.9m), equal to that other high-flyer Raymond Smith. By contrast, making lots of transfers (46) can either leave you down in 34th (good going, Matthew Ashmanac) or climbing to the giddy heights of 15 (congratulations, John Chapman).

And while we’re on the Chapmen, let’s take a look at how the trio of Paul, Gary and John (aka ITPD – IT Paul’s Dad) have been faring since the start of the season. While Gary has been taking it slow and steady since August, ITP and ITPD have clearly traded tactics with Paul now emulating his dad’s atrocious start to the season. The message? Footballing nous is not evenly distributed among the Chapmen.

‘Hey! Fantasy Football Managers! Leave them teams alone’: 5 players have not played their wildcard, among them tenth-placed Gary Young’s Always Next Year. With the fewest transfers and no wildcard played, it’s clear that the affliction that affects so many men – constant tinkering – is not bothering Gary and nor is it having any discernibly detrimental impact on his performance.

Finally, fashion is not the forte of most managers here: There are many approaches to designing a football kit. Most of the Fray Bentos fraternity have opted for the entirely blank, couldn’t-be-arsed-to-make-one look, but a few of you have put some effort in. Some have stolen from existing kits, some borrowed from other sports and some, well some managers may need to seek professional advice based on their kit choice.

I opt for an obscure foreign kit. Whose?

Los Yobos’ kit – designed by the blind

Perfect for Oswald Mosley and emos alike

Pats’ Nice Boys borrows from the Warrington Wolves kit.

GW14: Mo Salah Mo Points

‘That gobshite again! Is he never off the air!‘ So said Father Jack (from the series Father Ted) about Father Dougal, but he could equally have been referring to me and the frequency of these bloody gameweek reports. Or he could have been talking about Gary Lineker controversially fronting today’s World Cup Draw. Ooh, bit of politics.

Anyway, let’s just get this unpleasantness over with shall we, there’s another round of matches tomorrow after all.

So who top scored this week? Not one of the usual suspects, this week it was James Griffith and the underachievers. And what a top score it was too. In a week where the league average was 47 points, James scored nearly double, 90 points! Impressive stuff. It’s the midfield that stands out, James having 3 of the weeks star performers. De Bruyne, Mane and Salah have all had their moments this season (Salah in particular who is the leagues star performer) but Ashley Young bagging 15 points must have been a particular delight. Nice work from Pickford at the back too, just one of the 18 goalkeepers in the Premiership better than England’s number 1 Joe Hart who let in 4 against Everton.

An honourable mention goes to Matt Hope’s Don’t Watch That FC who have stealthily crept into 4th place, scoring a creditable 59 points (2nd best behind James was Gary Young’s Always Next Year whose very good 69 points was still a whopping 21 points less).

The Underachievers score was enough to steal November’s MOTM award at the death from Keith Lambert’s The Lamb. Congrats James, commiserations Keith. And who’s that sneaking into November’s Top 10 Managers? It’s Pats Alcantera and the Cheeky Boys! I mean Nice Boys.

‘Give over. Really?? England’s best keeper? Oh bless you.’

So, at the top, Tom Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC remain in top spot but a meagre 40 points mean’t they are now just 10 points ahead of Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) in second and my own Los Yobos who dropped to 3rd, a point behind my uglier, meaner, slightly fascist cousin. He hates kids too. And dogs. Just saying. Matt Hope sneaking to 4th means The Lamb are now in 5th, joint on points with Lambeth Lightweights. Worth pointing out just 20 points separates the top 6. What? It wasn’t worth pointing out? Suit yourself.

At the bottom it was more leapfrogging with Rosbroch overtaking Raised by Wolves yet again. Alison Breakwell scoried just 28 this week, just 3 more than the lowest score of the week, 25 points from Erik Lambert’s Muddy’s Men Utd. Chin up all of you, we’re not even half way through the season yet! What do you mean that hasn’t cheered you up? No pleasing some people.

Finally, I did a tiny amount of research into the top 10 teams and there’s a breakdown of the most popular performers below.

I thank you!

Mo Salah: 8
Harry Kane: 7
Dave De Gea: 6
Leroy Sane: 5
Baby Jesus: 4
Lukaku, Morata, Richarlison, GroB: 3

GW13: Tom stays top, Lukaku continues to fade…

After the delay in getting GW12’s report to press, Paul Chapman struggles woefully to keep up with the games coming thick and fast over the festive period. Here’s Gameweek 13, and like Lukaku desperately trying to rediscover his goalscoring form, he’s rather snatched at the chance…

Top score of the week went to Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC, who was already in #1 spot having deposed yours truly. Now 19 points clear at the top of the table, Tom also sits comfortably around the 88,000th mark in the league overall (out of around 5.5million) and – get this – he’s 232nd in Belgium!! Don’t know any famous Belgians? Now you do *points at Tom*.

So how did Tom amass this weeks highest score? Well, success has many fathers I think they say, and 9 of Tom’s starting 11 scored 5 or more (but interestingly none more than 8 not including his captain). So certainly not a team that Pep could witheringly describe as ‘that Harry Kane team’, although that said Tom does have Harry Kane.

‘Has Lukaku lost his way?’ asked the BBC Sport website. ‘Yes he bloody has’ I replied.

My own team, Los Yobos, hung on to second place by the skins of their skinny skin skin, with a so-so 49 points, beating only 2 others in the top 10. Chief culprit for my team was Romelus Lukakus who failed to respond to my faith in handing him the captains armband, and instead contented himself with doing the bare minimum and just turning up. Just cos I get away with that in the day job Rom, doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for those in my Fantasy team, buck your ideas up son!

Salah has scored more fantasy points than any other player.

Creeping up to within 2 points of second, is my own flesh and blood, Gary Chapman with a decent 59 points. Like Tom, Gary – head coach at GFC (C) – benefited from having both Kane and Aguero in his front two. Will Aguero get regular game time or be alternated with Jesus? Lord above knows. Salah, Richarlison and De Gea were three of the increasingly ‘must-have’ players who also coughed up points for Gman. Plus the more left field choice Aké in defence.

Outside the top three, a poor week for Dan’s Lambeth Lightweights saw him drop to 5th, leapfrogged by Keith Lambert’s The Lamb. Always a dangerous opponent, has Keith been massaging his Lamb to peak over Christmas? I wouldn’t put it past him the filthy beast.

David Unsworth provides a definitive answer to ‘who ate all the pies’

Down at the sharp end, Rosbroch FC remained locked in a titanic struggle for bottom spot with Raised by Wolves. Even a creditable 52 points for Rosbroch wasn’t enough to get off the bottom but manager Scott Grierson is now just 3 points behind Alison Breakwell’s Wolves. Making a late dash for bottom place relevancy is the ridiculously monickered Ricko Lambermontini’s Un Pacquet A 40 Avec. Ricko’s joint lowest score of 31 could have been far worse if not for his captain Eden Hazard scoring 16 points for him, the other 10 averaging a meagre 1.5 points between them. That’s the sort of form that must have Scott and Alison worried.

Game week 14 takes place tonight and tomorrow, the deadline being 18:45 this evening UK time. Volunteers for reporting duties, report to the usual place…

GW11: What goes up, stays on top

I’m in a rush this week, so with hardly any pre-amble and virtually no ado, I present for your delectation, this weeks report from David MacNicoll, Manager of ‘Mo Salah Mo Problems’, a clever and funny team name who’s selection represented the highpoint of David’s involvement in this years league…

In 1605, Robert Catesby led a Catholic conspiracy to assassinate King James I by blowing up the House of Lords.  Every year on November 5^th we celebrate the failure of this plot, really rubbing it in by showing how easy it is to set fire to things and explode stuff.

Of course, going into Gameweek 11 in Fray Bentos, the reigning monarch was none other than King Chappers I of Los Yobos.  This meant all other players were seeking to metaphorically assassinate Paul, because that’s how you assume first place and win the game, as well as literally assassinate him, because of his personality.

Ominously for our malevolent leader, Los Yobos went into the weekend sitting on top of 36 other Fray Bentos teams – the exact same number of gunpowder barrels that Guy Fawkes was found with (I didn’t even have to enter multiple new teams into the league to make this true).

Sadly for (almost) all, every team failed to ignite, and Chapman clung on to power in the exact opposite way to which he has clung on to his dignity.  This despite spending four points to transfer out Jesus and Sterling (who scored a combined 10 points) and going insane in the membrane and entering a world of pain by replacing them with Kane and Sane (while ignoring Mane).

Many other teams were hit this week by Kane’s failure to launch, seemingly unaware of the fact that Harry is engaged in his very own plot against me, refusing to score whenever I make him captain, and hammering in a gazillion goals whenever I take the armband off him.  The top eight teams in Fray Bentos all saw their captains return just two points, with Trevor Garrett’s canny choice of Kevin de Bruyne as skipper seeing Penfolds Patriots rocket up the league.

At the top, Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC and Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) are the teams putting most pressure on Los Yobos, while Andy Dawkins’ commitment to nominative determinism continues, with Bottom by Christmas maintaining their tumble down the table.  Patiently waiting for Andy, Alison Breakwell’s Raised by Wolves remain in last place.  Alison’s leftfield choice of Burnley’s Nick Pope as goalkeeper did return eight points, and is perhaps a sign that the Catholic conspiracy/papal bouba diop plot to take down Chapman still has legs.

On to the actual football – Saturday’s matches started with a bang as Stoke and Leicester ding-donged a 2-2 draw.  This was particularly notable as a collection of twigs and branches on their way to being burned assumed sentient/near sentient form, pulled on a shirt that said ‘CROUCH 25’, and scored Stoke’s second equaliser.

However, the day’s oohs and aaahs quickly subsided.  Four 1-0 wins reaped little for most fantasy managers, who for some unknown reason haven’t built their team around defenders from Huddersfield, Bournemouth, Burnley and Brighton.  They really should learn from the game week’s big winner Ian Waller, whose Ward-Mee-Zanka defence yielded a third of Waller’s 1s to Watch’s 61 points.

Ian’s excitement couldn’t cover the general tedium.  The crowds were beginning to drift away, muttering that Bonfire Night just isn’t the same as in the good old days and because of PC gone mad and the feminazis and the barmy Brussels bureaucrats making fun illegal you can’t even have a bit of banter these days by shooting a Muslim into the sky or setting a woman on fire without them launching a harassment case against you.  Then along came West Ham, not just pouring petrol all over the bonfire, but pouring petrol all over themselves before jumping into the bonfire, to get the day’s display back on track.

Now, Catesby and many of his fellow gunpowder conspirators were not executed, but killed as they ran after hearing the plot had been discovered.  While they escaped the executioner, their bodies were subsequently decapitated, and their heads stuck on spikes outside the House of Lords.  Slaven Bilic’s decision to pick these 400-year-old heads on sticks in his defence on Saturday was a bold one, but ultimately it didn’t pay off.  Liverpool ran riot, rewarding many FPL managers, especially those who made the maverick decision of actually picking Mo Salah (and his 15 points), rather than just naming their team after him.

Sunday began with Spurs struggling with the step up in class from Real Madrid to Roy Hodgson’s Crystal Palace, ultimately sneaking a 1-0 win thanks to Heung-Min Son.  Son is classified as a midfielder in the fantasy game, and as a godsend by lazy headline-writing tabloid hacks (and genuine artists slumming it on the Fray Bentos blog) – SONFIRE NIGHT!  And no, it doesn’t matter that it was a 12:15pm kick-off and therefore the day.

Spurs’ North London rivals Arsenal travelled up to Manchester to take on league leaders Man City.  Of course, Arsene Wenger was well into his Arsenal reign when the Gunpowder Plot was launched, lamenting that though Fawkes and his conspirators had dominated possession of the gunpowder, they played with a little bit the handbrake on and lacked maybe little bit sharpness in the final third when it came to actually lighting the fuses, and when that happens of course you leave yourself open and can find yourself caught out on the counter-attack by the King’s men.

At the Etihad, Wenger decided to pick midfielder Francis Coquelin in Arsenal’s defence – an option that is denied to Fantasy Premier League managers, mainly because it is batshit mental.  Surprisingly enough, Arsenal were carved open in much the same manner Fawkes and co were during their executions, although City’s goals and assists were shared around between six players, contributing to the fairly middling scores all over the fantasy league.

Later at Goodison Park, Watford started like a rocket to go two up, but then made the classic mistake of returning to a lit firework, and had their faces blown off by an Everton comeback to 3-2.  Everton attempted to fire a projectile into their own foot by conceding a penalty in the 111^th minute, but Tom Cleverly grasped the opportunity like a kid grabbing the wrong end of a sparkler.  He sent his spot-kick veering widely off course like a homemade backyard firework that ends up setting fire to your fence and one of your children.

There was little attention on Everton-Watford, given the anticipation surrounding Manchester United’s visit to Chelsea.  This was odd, given that expecting fireworks from a big game involving Jose Mourinho is like expecting fireworks from a sexual encounter with yours truly.  In fact, Guy Fawkes survived being starved, hung from manacles, and stretched on the rack without whispering a word, but was then shown footage of United ‘taking on’ Liverpool last month and confessed all within 12 minutes.

Alvaro Morata frustrated everyone who had transferred him out to get Kane in by scoring the game’s only goal and his first for weeks.  Thus Chelsea manager Antonio Conte momentarily avoided being strapped to a roman abramovich candle and fired for the temerity of only winning one league title in the 1.25 seasons he has been at the club.

Nevertheless, we are inevitably in the dying embers of Conte’s and Chapman’s reigns, of bonfire weekend, and of this report.  All fires lose their heat, dwindle and ultimately die, just like your hopes and dreams.

GW10: Amidst the dross, points found in Sane

A case of after the lord mayors show this week. Gameweek 9 saw Chelsea score 4, City score 3, Arsenal smash 5 and Spurs stick 4 past Liverpool (I forget what United did). And Fantasy Managers gobbled up the points like Diego Costa at an All You Can Eat Buffet. Gameweek 10 however was a far more dour affair. Star name providers like Manchester United, Arsenal, City and Chelsea won again but by single goals. Likewise, in Fray Bentos, Gameweeks 8 and 9 saw you amused, delighted and tantalised by posts from Mike Pollard and Pats Alcantara. This week you’ve got me again. Suck it up.

Continuing that depressing start to the post, Donovan Lamberts Dilettante Donkeys had a shocker this week, the previous league leader getting the lowest score in our league. Against a competition average of 46 points, the Donkey’s managed a mere 28. Superstars such as Alli, Silva, Rashford and Otamendi all flopped. Not even Jesus could save him. To second with you Donovan!

Still, ‘one manager’s shitshow is another manager’s slightly less shitshow’ as the popular saying goes, and who’s this bounding into the space left at the top of the table like a promising Under-19s player at a Geordie Shore cast party? Why it’s only my own Los Yobos! The Yobos didn’t have a great week either to be fair, a disappointing 39 points being the score. Would have been better had Captain Salah not missed a penalty, thanks Mo! But I’m not one to look Harry Kane a gift horse in the mouth, top spot it is!

Staying in third place, Andy Dawkin’s Bottom by Christmas also had a poor week. His beloved Spurs lost IRL, and his fantasy team didn’t do much better. Bottom by Christmas managed just 33 points with Captain Otamendi returning Notalotti (double zero is still zero sadly). A possible silver lining, Andy still has Kane in his squad and he may yet bounce Andy back to the top spot before long.

4th and 5th swopped places, with Tom Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC leapfrogging Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) to go equal 3rd. Tom has bided his time, only playing his wildcard this week. With Leroy Sane captain (2×12) and the pick of the leagues surprise packages, Tom could even afford to bench Aguero! I reckon Tom is one to watch in the next few weeks…

Elsewhere, a league high score of 78 saw Matt Hope’s Don’t Watch That FC propelled to 7th place, with newly transferred in Leroy Sane (captain) and Arsenal goal threat Kolasinac at the back chiefly responsible.

1 point behind Matt in 8th is Daniel Sandford-Smoth’s Lambeth Lightweights whose 77 points came from Kolasinac (captain), Hazard, Davis and me. I mean Mee.

Little change elsewhere in the league given the generally low scores. Struggling towards the bottom, like George Bush Sr behind an actress, Alison Breakwell’s Raised by Wolves disappointingly regained the wooden spoon. Alison, like many managers, opted to give Mickey T at United the heave ho and instead bought in Watford wunderkid, Richarlison. Straight into the team, and the captaincy to boot, Richarlison returned the favour to Alison with just 2 points (2×1). A bit Rubbishison.

However, the battle at the bottom remains fiercely contested. Scott Grierson’s Rosbroch FC may be up to 36th but they’re only 4 points ahead of Alison. And just 5 points ahead of Scott, in the final relegation place, is Matthew Ashman’s Peachy Poo all Stars, a team far more used to being at the top end of table. Perhaps distracted by his current scouting mission in Japan, Matt not only had Kane upfront (and a benchful of non-players to keep Kane on the pitch) but he also made Aguero TRIPLE CAPTAIN, reaping a grand haul of 0+0+0 (total: 0). SAD.

Ahead of Matt, is blog favourite Pats Alcantara’s Pats’ Nice Boys. The Nice Boys had an average week with little of note. However, a quick glance of their transfer history suggests a tumultuous relationship between Nice Boys manager Pats and Hammers Sweetheart Chicharito. What’s the story there Pats???

He loves me… he loves me not…

See you next week folks, when hopefully we’ll have another guest poster. Fancy a go? Leave a comment below!

GW7: Aguero injury a car crash for the Unconsoled

Sorry for the delay in this weeks round up folks, I was out last Friday with Sergio Aguero and it all got a bit messy, he should never have asked me to drive.

Someone else who had a shocker was Mike Pollard and The Unconsoled, dropping to 8th, with just 39 points. Mike opted to keep Aguero in his team, which is either a remarkable show of faith or perhaps Mike is just trapped under something heavy and can’t get to a computer. Sat next to Sergio on Mike’s bench was big Fellaini, who’s 16 points were as wasted as they were surprising.

Alvaro Morata of Chelsea walks off after being subbed

Dilettante Donkeys scored 63, and went top, although it didn’t all go Dono’s way what with Triple Captain Lukaku scoring a relatively meagre 18 (6×3) and his leaving of Doucoure’s 10 points on the bench. Like many others Donovan also saw Morata limp off for a prolonged stay on the physio’s bench, so interesting to see which way our league leader jumps this week.

Jumping to 2nd, perennial title chaser, Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) played their wildcard and reaped the benefits with a very useful 78 points. A strong 3 man defence returned 34 points, Richarlison chucked in 10 from midfield and a useful front two of Lukaku and Kane added another 25 between them, with Andy Carroll throwing in just the 1 point as he was mostly down the bookies and eating chips during his game.

Andy Dawkin’s blatantly lying Bottom By Christmas moved into third, thanks to another strong defencive unit, Doucoure in midfield, and Andy’s pin-up and Captain Harry Kane scoring 26 points (2×13).

Who needs Jesus? Mourinho resurrects Fellaini all by himself.

Top scorer of the week and leaping into 7th, was the previously unmentioned Lambeth Lightweights, marshalled by man about town and over-50s Batique champion Daniel Sandford-Smith. Key to Dan’s chart topping 88 was a whopping 51 points from his defence alone, incredibly featuring not one but two Arsenal players! Kev De Bruyne contributed 11 points courtesy of his match winning goal against Chelsea, and Jesus and Lukaku added another 17 between them.

Honourable mentions also to James Griffith and the underachievers (his lack of capitalisation, not mine – Ed) who displayed great use of the Triple Captain card to coax 39 points out of Harry Kane. And the third 80+ score of the week was inaugural Best Dressed Man of Fray Bentos frontrunner Pats Alcantara who’s Nice Boys scored a cool 80 points, catapulting them from their usual bottom spots to the heady heights of 30th. Nose bleed territory Pats and just 3 points behind a certain Matt O’Reilly in 29th, the tension in your gaff must be unbearable!

That’s it for this week. Always looking for volunteers to write a round-up, get in touch if you fancy a go, no standards too low.