GW18: Wellesley Wander into 4th, King Kev gets the plaudits

So, one week away from the halfway point. The league may not be won in December, but it’s certainly taking shape and it’s unlike that any newcomers can break quickly into the top 5 and….

WAITTAGODDAMMINUTE!!!!! Who’s this romping up the league and breaking into the top 5  faster than Chris Froome straight after he’s received his latest asthma medication? It’s Andrew Donkin’s Wellesley Wanderers! The Wanderers top scored this week with a mighty 85 points, a good 30 points more than anyone else in the top 10.

So how did  he do it? Well it wasn’t the defence, that’s for sure. But the midfield was solid gold, 43 points coming courtesy of the combined talents of Liverpool City’s fab four; De Bruyne, Sterling, Coutinho and Salah. But the real coup de grace came with the inspired transfer of Wayne Rooney, and then making him captain. Rooney’s 13 points in his win over Swansea coming from a combo of a goal, 2 assists and 3 bonus points. Even missing a penalty (-2) didn’t stop him.

Elsewhere, another big score came from the other end of the table, Ricky’s Un Paquet a 40 Avec scoring 81 points. A wide range of scorers here, with 8 players scoring over 5 points. 32 of those points were scored by the hitherto unlikely front three of Lukaku, Benteke and Rooney.

32 points, sadly, was the total score of this weeks lowest scoring team, erstwhile frontrunner, Mike Pollard’s The Unconsoled. Thank god for Magic Mo, who’s captaincy and 8 points (doubled to 16) made up 50% of The Unconsoled’s total score.

Apart from those highs and lows, the top 3 remained the same as last week, with Bench Warmers FC maintaining top stop. My own Los Yobos continued their spiral down the league, stopping this week at 6th but already programming 9th in the sat nav for my next expected destination. At the bottom, Alasdair’s Army  remain adrift, 17 points off second last. Chin up Raymond!

That’s about all I can manage this week, as I battle heroically with a cold. Just time to remind you that there is a Friday game this week so the deadline is earlier than usual (18:45 on Friday).

Now, where’s the fuckin lemsip?

GW11: What goes up, stays on top

I’m in a rush this week, so with hardly any pre-amble and virtually no ado, I present for your delectation, this weeks report from David MacNicoll, Manager of ‘Mo Salah Mo Problems’, a clever and funny team name who’s selection represented the highpoint of David’s involvement in this years league…

In 1605, Robert Catesby led a Catholic conspiracy to assassinate King James I by blowing up the House of Lords.  Every year on November 5^th we celebrate the failure of this plot, really rubbing it in by showing how easy it is to set fire to things and explode stuff.

Of course, going into Gameweek 11 in Fray Bentos, the reigning monarch was none other than King Chappers I of Los Yobos.  This meant all other players were seeking to metaphorically assassinate Paul, because that’s how you assume first place and win the game, as well as literally assassinate him, because of his personality.

Ominously for our malevolent leader, Los Yobos went into the weekend sitting on top of 36 other Fray Bentos teams – the exact same number of gunpowder barrels that Guy Fawkes was found with (I didn’t even have to enter multiple new teams into the league to make this true).

Sadly for (almost) all, every team failed to ignite, and Chapman clung on to power in the exact opposite way to which he has clung on to his dignity.  This despite spending four points to transfer out Jesus and Sterling (who scored a combined 10 points) and going insane in the membrane and entering a world of pain by replacing them with Kane and Sane (while ignoring Mane).

Many other teams were hit this week by Kane’s failure to launch, seemingly unaware of the fact that Harry is engaged in his very own plot against me, refusing to score whenever I make him captain, and hammering in a gazillion goals whenever I take the armband off him.  The top eight teams in Fray Bentos all saw their captains return just two points, with Trevor Garrett’s canny choice of Kevin de Bruyne as skipper seeing Penfolds Patriots rocket up the league.

At the top, Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC and Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) are the teams putting most pressure on Los Yobos, while Andy Dawkins’ commitment to nominative determinism continues, with Bottom by Christmas maintaining their tumble down the table.  Patiently waiting for Andy, Alison Breakwell’s Raised by Wolves remain in last place.  Alison’s leftfield choice of Burnley’s Nick Pope as goalkeeper did return eight points, and is perhaps a sign that the Catholic conspiracy/papal bouba diop plot to take down Chapman still has legs.

On to the actual football – Saturday’s matches started with a bang as Stoke and Leicester ding-donged a 2-2 draw.  This was particularly notable as a collection of twigs and branches on their way to being burned assumed sentient/near sentient form, pulled on a shirt that said ‘CROUCH 25’, and scored Stoke’s second equaliser.

However, the day’s oohs and aaahs quickly subsided.  Four 1-0 wins reaped little for most fantasy managers, who for some unknown reason haven’t built their team around defenders from Huddersfield, Bournemouth, Burnley and Brighton.  They really should learn from the game week’s big winner Ian Waller, whose Ward-Mee-Zanka defence yielded a third of Waller’s 1s to Watch’s 61 points.

Ian’s excitement couldn’t cover the general tedium.  The crowds were beginning to drift away, muttering that Bonfire Night just isn’t the same as in the good old days and because of PC gone mad and the feminazis and the barmy Brussels bureaucrats making fun illegal you can’t even have a bit of banter these days by shooting a Muslim into the sky or setting a woman on fire without them launching a harassment case against you.  Then along came West Ham, not just pouring petrol all over the bonfire, but pouring petrol all over themselves before jumping into the bonfire, to get the day’s display back on track.

Now, Catesby and many of his fellow gunpowder conspirators were not executed, but killed as they ran after hearing the plot had been discovered.  While they escaped the executioner, their bodies were subsequently decapitated, and their heads stuck on spikes outside the House of Lords.  Slaven Bilic’s decision to pick these 400-year-old heads on sticks in his defence on Saturday was a bold one, but ultimately it didn’t pay off.  Liverpool ran riot, rewarding many FPL managers, especially those who made the maverick decision of actually picking Mo Salah (and his 15 points), rather than just naming their team after him.

Sunday began with Spurs struggling with the step up in class from Real Madrid to Roy Hodgson’s Crystal Palace, ultimately sneaking a 1-0 win thanks to Heung-Min Son.  Son is classified as a midfielder in the fantasy game, and as a godsend by lazy headline-writing tabloid hacks (and genuine artists slumming it on the Fray Bentos blog) – SONFIRE NIGHT!  And no, it doesn’t matter that it was a 12:15pm kick-off and therefore the day.

Spurs’ North London rivals Arsenal travelled up to Manchester to take on league leaders Man City.  Of course, Arsene Wenger was well into his Arsenal reign when the Gunpowder Plot was launched, lamenting that though Fawkes and his conspirators had dominated possession of the gunpowder, they played with a little bit the handbrake on and lacked maybe little bit sharpness in the final third when it came to actually lighting the fuses, and when that happens of course you leave yourself open and can find yourself caught out on the counter-attack by the King’s men.

At the Etihad, Wenger decided to pick midfielder Francis Coquelin in Arsenal’s defence – an option that is denied to Fantasy Premier League managers, mainly because it is batshit mental.  Surprisingly enough, Arsenal were carved open in much the same manner Fawkes and co were during their executions, although City’s goals and assists were shared around between six players, contributing to the fairly middling scores all over the fantasy league.

Later at Goodison Park, Watford started like a rocket to go two up, but then made the classic mistake of returning to a lit firework, and had their faces blown off by an Everton comeback to 3-2.  Everton attempted to fire a projectile into their own foot by conceding a penalty in the 111^th minute, but Tom Cleverly grasped the opportunity like a kid grabbing the wrong end of a sparkler.  He sent his spot-kick veering widely off course like a homemade backyard firework that ends up setting fire to your fence and one of your children.

There was little attention on Everton-Watford, given the anticipation surrounding Manchester United’s visit to Chelsea.  This was odd, given that expecting fireworks from a big game involving Jose Mourinho is like expecting fireworks from a sexual encounter with yours truly.  In fact, Guy Fawkes survived being starved, hung from manacles, and stretched on the rack without whispering a word, but was then shown footage of United ‘taking on’ Liverpool last month and confessed all within 12 minutes.

Alvaro Morata frustrated everyone who had transferred him out to get Kane in by scoring the game’s only goal and his first for weeks.  Thus Chelsea manager Antonio Conte momentarily avoided being strapped to a roman abramovich candle and fired for the temerity of only winning one league title in the 1.25 seasons he has been at the club.

Nevertheless, we are inevitably in the dying embers of Conte’s and Chapman’s reigns, of bonfire weekend, and of this report.  All fires lose their heat, dwindle and ultimately die, just like your hopes and dreams.

GW9: Kane clears his name, but Jesus’ star is on the wane

This week’s guest post comes from footballing novice and Nice Boys’ manager, Pats Alcantara. While the Nice Boys have consistently languished towards the bottom of the Fray Bentos table, the season’s early and Pats is hopeful that his looks-based strategy can pay dividends in the long term. Explaining his selection and taking a look at the weekend’s movers and shakers, Pats writes:  

It was late one evening as I was preparing for bed and kissing goodnight to the flame-haired vixen of English football (aka Kevin de Bruyne) that the call came through: I was being brought off the subs bench to write this week’s guest post. As a kid growing up on the mean streets on Manila, this was the holy grail. Honours don’t come much higher, so I quickly dusted off my VHS, set MOTD to record and flicked through the back pages of The Metro on my Monday morning commute – ‘detailed journalistic preparation’, reckons Paul Chapman.

Pats gazes at his Manchester idols each evening before bed.

The Christians among you may want to look away now, as it was a disappointing week for Jesus. With no goals and  less than 20 minutes of game time, the Brazilian was poor value for the 14 Fray Bentos disciples who included him in their line-up and more especially for the 8 managers who selected him as captain. Instead, it was Man City’s very own Lazarus, Sergio Agüero, who got his team off the scoreboard in his first PL game since his recent argument with an Amsterdam lamppost.

Picking up a penalty in a comparatively sedate 3-0 win over Burnley, he equalled City’s all-time goal scoring record, briefly propelled himself to the top of the Fantasy points scorers and gave Steve Morgan’s Dreaming of Sheep a respectable six points. As the only manager to include Agüero in his starting 11, it was a shrewd move by Steve and I’d be surprised if the Argentine didn’t feature heavily in next week’s Fantasy transfers. Unfortunately for the Nice Boys, however, Agüero has failed the entrance exam, so won’t be starting for me this season. Luckily, there are plenty of nice boys eligible for selection among the City side and with Pep’s men dominating the Fantasy points table it’s difficult to argue against including a full complement in your line-up.

City riding high occupying half of the top points scorer positions so far

After a disappointing GW8, it was time for Harry Kane to step into the limelight so ignominiously vacated by Jesus. In an almost mirror image of last week, the Tottenham man put in a very respectable performance against Liverpool to bag 16 points. Kudos to both Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) and Mark Winter’s Expecting Failure who kept the faith and left Kane as captain. A little long in the face, perhaps, but Kane passes muster and was duly admitted to the Nice Boys side a few weeks ago. He’s bedding in quite well, although with Harry Winks in the Tottenham team you suspect Kane might feel a little aggrieved not to be the best looking Harry in the squad.

As for the rest of the forwards, this week was a mixed bag. Nice boys Morata and Chicharito got a point apiece, while the English-faced Jamie Vardy scarcely did much better scoring just two points. Top choice Romulus Lukakus – who rumour has it was suckled by a she-wolf – did a little better, despite Man Utd’s 2-1 defeat to Huddersfield. But he was a poor option as triple captain for Andy Dawkins’ Bottom by Christmas. Had he gone with his other starting forward, Kane, for triple captain Andy would have been sitting pretty at the top. Instead, Andy will have to content himself playing second fiddle to Donovan Lambert’s Dilettante Donkeys and Paul Chapman’s Los Yobos who occupy first and second spots.

Vardy: English face

In the midfield, meanwhile, Jon Exon-Taylor’s The Midwives may have stumbled upon a selection strategy to match that of the nice boys. The eagle-eyed among you may have spotted that both his starting midfielders feature an accented ‘e’ at the end of their names – maybe Jon can tell us if this was deliberate or accidental. Regardless, Sané’s 12 points and Doucouré’s 8 gave his midfield a healthy 20 and helped his side to their third 70+ score of the season, keeping him in contention for a top-ten finish.

Defensively, this week was all about hipster-nice-boy Nicolás Otamendi whose 15-point haul has only been outdone in the back line this season by also-nice-boys Marcos Alonso and Ben Davies. It should come as little surprise then that the top 3 in the Fray Bentos league all placed Otamendi in their starting 11. Nothing remarkable there, but he also featured in the surprise story of the week. Having hovered around last place since the start of the season, Alison Breakwell’s Raised By Wolves side put in a terrific display to earn her 88 points, equal to the week’s other top scorer, the aforementioned Expecting Failure. A few more performances like that and she could become the first woman to make it into the top 20. And in the sausage fest that is the Fray Bentos league, that would be no mean feat!

GW4: Klopp Flops, Kane Reigns

A guest author this week, Matthew O’Reilly of Draxler Utd fame committing the cardinal guest author sin of being both better-researched and funnier than the actual author. So enjoy his post, cos I won’t ask him back…

While the transfer window may have closed with a whimper, GW4 got off to an explosive start with Man City’s 5-0 drubbing of Liverpool. A torrid week for the Reds caught quite a few managers unaware with Matthew Ashman’s Peachy Poo all Stars particularly hard hit. A grand total of three points for his triumvirate of Mané, Salah and Firmino saw the all Stars slide down the table to 25^th spot. On the flipside, it was a points bonanza for virtually all of the Man City side who maintained clean sheets, scored or at least picked up an assist. De Bruyne’s 9-point haul – plus a raft of new nice-boy signings and an early use of the wildcard – helped to lift Pats’ Nice Boys off the bottom of the table. Early indications are that the Nice Boys and Mark Winter’s Expecting Failure could be locked in a season-long battle for bottom-of-the-league supremacy.

Things were a lot less rosy, meanwhile, for this season’s early, unwarranted and wholly unjustified success, Paul Chapman. Los Yobos had a shocker, scoring just 25 points – only three ahead of the week’s wooden spoon holders, Raised By Wolves. RBW’s manager, Alison Breakwell, must surely be regretting the decision to leave Harry Kane sitting on the lupine bench this week.

For many managers (sadly not you, Alison), it was the return of Kane that made all the difference. Cementing his reputation as the man who never scores in August, Kane fired into life this week with a brace against Everton. In so doing he bagged his 100^th Premier League goal, while his opposite, Rooney, was celebrating his own less glorious century by becoming only the second player in Premier League history to receive 100 yellow cards. Still, it’s probably Wayne’s most honourable achievement of the month. Every cloud and all that.

Kane’s haul of 13 points catapulted Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC and Andy Dawkins’ Bottom by Christmas into first and second place respectively, with both opting for the Tottenham man as captain. I’ve discussed the unacceptable performance of Bottom by Christmas with Andy and he assures me that we should expect to see them slide down the table in early December. One for the calendar then.

An unpredictable GW4 brought a raft of relative unknowns into the dream team with names like Pascal Groβ, Kiko Femenía and Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting (me neither) shaking things up a bit. Fortunately, this week also brought the welcome return of one of football’s better-known names, Mr Roy Hodgson. Man-of-a-thousand-faces Roy could bring some much-needed direction to the good ship Palace – a ship that is currently on fire, under attack by pirates and heading straight for an iceberg. Crucially (for me at least), he might be able to get something more out of Ruben Loftus-Cheek who, for the past four weeks, has sat on my subs bench serving up a series of anaemic one and two-point performances. GW5 sees them host Southampton and I for one will be cheering Roy all the way.

Day 20 – Argentina and Belgium escape to victory

Farewell bloated last 16, hello you lithe young last 8. The final two teams to book passage to the quarters were, as expected, Argentina and Belgium. But things weren’t as simple as all that guv’nor and no mistake.

First up footballing powerhouse Argentina took on footballing, er, team Switzerland. The Argies no doubt expected the Swiss to park the bus but they didn’t realise that behind that bus was another bus, then a wall, then a mountain of discarded Team England merchandise. At the end of 90 minutes the South Americans were no closer to a goal, little Lionel being closed down whenever he got close to the ball and Angel Di Maria playing like a man who’s seen the pre-match odds on a Swiss win and had bet the farm.

But, with just 2 minutes of extra time remaining, the Swiss were holed when Lionel popped up on the edge of the box and, presumably having exhausted all other possibilities, passed to Di Maria. No sooner has the ref raised his hand ready to signal the inevitable goal-kick, or perhaps a throw-in, Di Maria stunned everybody by scoring. Incredible scenes. Farewell Switzerland, I for one won’t miss you, apart from that little Shakiri fella who looks like a plumber.

Onto the main course of the day, the curiously underperforming Belgium versus the curiously over performing USA. Both teams threw themselves into the game with gusto, with Belgium – and young Origi in particular – spurning early chances. Despite the continued attempts of a revitalised Eden Hazard and Kevin De Bruyne the deadlock remained unbroken, in large part down to the combined talents of Tim Howard and Thibault Courtois in either goal.

At the start of the ubiquitous extra-time, Wilmots took off the latest teen Belgo-sensation Origi and bought on the penultimate teen Belgo-sensation, now yesterdays’ man, Romelu Lukaku. Clearly unhappy with his newfound ‘lumnbering carthorse’ status, Lukaku set about the opposition with the relish of a Premiership footballer at a ‘Girls drink half price’ club night. Within minutes, Lukaku’s pace and strength saw him throw off the increasingly knackered attentions of the States midfield and passed the ball to KDB. Kevin looked like he’d taken a touch too many but worked enough space to get his shot off and finally breach the defence of the Dread Pirate Howard. Worse was to follow for the septics when KDB surged down the left and returned the favour by feeding Lukaku who finished clinically. Lukaku set off towards the bench pointing his finger, presumably at Origi while shouting whatever the Flemish for ‘How do you like them Apples?’ is.

The drama wasn’t over of course, a gallant US team getting one back in the second half of extra time courtesy of a great volley from Bayern Munich’s Julian Green. But it wasn’t enough and Jurgen and his lads eventually left down hearted but with their heads held high. Approximately 20 minutes later, America forgot all about soccer. Again. Probably.

So what does the end of the last 16 mean in our league? Well, it remains compelling at the top. Weejinio has made up an impressive 80 points over two days and now leads Alberto by a mere 10. As I’ve said before, how Colombia fare against Brazil on Friday will be crucial to Alberto’s chances, but the same can be said about how Germany do and how that affects Weejinio. This ain’t over yet. Bobby Farkle maintains third position but Kel Surprise has kicked raymondo of his 4th perch and sat down with an innocent ‘is anybody sitting here? no?’ look on her face. Who’s Fabregas retains the Who’s Fabregas position.

No games now till Friday, which seems almost inhumane to me, but tomorrow may well see a bonus blog courtesy of some fine research by Late Goals.com (aka Martin ‘the Martin’ Young) who has been crunching some numbers and thinks he’s worked out what the best team you could possibly have chosed so far would have been. I’ll be throwing his excel-fu skills open to you tomorrow and you can decide for yourselves.

Till then, goodbye, you’ve been marvellous, I’ve been verbose. Adios.

The table at the end of the last 16 games, preserved here for posterity.

POS	TEAM	TOTAL	Last 16 – 4	Last 16 – 3	Last 16 -2	Last 16 – 1
1	Weejinio	909	71	75	20	28
2	Alberto	899	32	25	30	74
3	Bobby Farkle	838	40	45	40	18
4	Kel Surprise!	829	50	55	0	61
5	raymondo	827	32	60	34	20
6	Fray Bentos Champ	826	76	65	4	20
7	Magnusaurus	822	40	65	25	22
8	Mr Donkin	815	40	60	24	18
9	World Beaters	810	75	25	30	18
10	Fat Ronaldo	807	80	25	30	18
11	Telly’s Heroes	803	36	50	35	20
12	Belgofoot	801	32	60	0	56
13	David Martindale	800	36	55	19	30
14	Chaipirinha de Gman	785	75	30	20	18
15	Up the Villa	784	40	55	30	18
16	FIFA-Fo-Fum	773	36	55	20	20
16	Next Labour	773	40	55	31	18
18	Mark Winter	763	32	20	2	63
19	Brazuca el Verruca	758	40	70	0	20
20	James Foster	754	40	60	10	18
20	FIFA’s evil cousin	754	40	0	62	18
20	RedHotBelgian	754	36	65	15	16
23	TicTacs Truck	751	40	70	6	18
24	DaHilster	744	71	40	0	26
25	Linbury All Stars	731	24	45	25	16
26	Strictly Peleton	728	36	65	2	16
26	Late goals.com	728	28	45	22	20
28	Kresten Cools	727	35	60	0	32
29	Bookworm	725	76	20	4	20
30	John Lee	724	36	35	19	20
31	Dave Hamer	723	28	70	0	20
32	Margarita De Ipanema	718	0	45	3	65
33	Arsene’s Arse	711	36	60	0	20
34	G Nev Fanclub	709	24	40	17	28
35	Steve Morgan	706	36	60	0	20
36	SAM8A SOUL STARS	701	36	0	25	20
37	NotGotAClue	667	28	40	10	26
38	K8-0	656	47	40	0	24
39	The Lamb	647	36	0	24	20
40	Clog	638	32	35	2	20
41	FIFA RANKINGS	627	24	45	10	16
42	Brabra	619	12	40	20	18
43	Who’s Fabregas?	583	32	0	5	20