GW13: Tom stays top, Lukaku continues to fade…

After the delay in getting GW12’s report to press, Paul Chapman struggles woefully to keep up with the games coming thick and fast over the festive period. Here’s Gameweek 13, and like Lukaku desperately trying to rediscover his goalscoring form, he’s rather snatched at the chance…

Top score of the week went to Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC, who was already in #1 spot having deposed yours truly. Now 19 points clear at the top of the table, Tom also sits comfortably around the 88,000th mark in the league overall (out of around 5.5million) and – get this – he’s 232nd in Belgium!! Don’t know any famous Belgians? Now you do *points at Tom*.

So how did Tom amass this weeks highest score? Well, success has many fathers I think they say, and 9 of Tom’s starting 11 scored 5 or more (but interestingly none more than 8 not including his captain). So certainly not a team that Pep could witheringly describe as ‘that Harry Kane team’, although that said Tom does have Harry Kane.

‘Has Lukaku lost his way?’ asked the BBC Sport website. ‘Yes he bloody has’ I replied.

My own team, Los Yobos, hung on to second place by the skins of their skinny skin skin, with a so-so 49 points, beating only 2 others in the top 10. Chief culprit for my team was Romelus Lukakus who failed to respond to my faith in handing him the captains armband, and instead contented himself with doing the bare minimum and just turning up. Just cos I get away with that in the day job Rom, doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for those in my Fantasy team, buck your ideas up son!

Salah has scored more fantasy points than any other player.

Creeping up to within 2 points of second, is my own flesh and blood, Gary Chapman with a decent 59 points. Like Tom, Gary – head coach at GFC (C) – benefited from having both Kane and Aguero in his front two. Will Aguero get regular game time or be alternated with Jesus? Lord above knows. Salah, Richarlison and De Gea were three of the increasingly ‘must-have’ players who also coughed up points for Gman. Plus the more left field choice Aké in defence.

Outside the top three, a poor week for Dan’s Lambeth Lightweights saw him drop to 5th, leapfrogged by Keith Lambert’s The Lamb. Always a dangerous opponent, has Keith been massaging his Lamb to peak over Christmas? I wouldn’t put it past him the filthy beast.

David Unsworth provides a definitive answer to ‘who ate all the pies’

Down at the sharp end, Rosbroch FC remained locked in a titanic struggle for bottom spot with Raised by Wolves. Even a creditable 52 points for Rosbroch wasn’t enough to get off the bottom but manager Scott Grierson is now just 3 points behind Alison Breakwell’s Wolves. Making a late dash for bottom place relevancy is the ridiculously monickered Ricko Lambermontini’s Un Pacquet A 40 Avec. Ricko’s joint lowest score of 31 could have been far worse if not for his captain Eden Hazard scoring 16 points for him, the other 10 averaging a meagre 1.5 points between them. That’s the sort of form that must have Scott and Alison worried.

Game week 14 takes place tonight and tomorrow, the deadline being 18:45 this evening UK time. Volunteers for reporting duties, report to the usual place…

GW11: What goes up, stays on top

I’m in a rush this week, so with hardly any pre-amble and virtually no ado, I present for your delectation, this weeks report from David MacNicoll, Manager of ‘Mo Salah Mo Problems’, a clever and funny team name who’s selection represented the highpoint of David’s involvement in this years league…

In 1605, Robert Catesby led a Catholic conspiracy to assassinate King James I by blowing up the House of Lords.  Every year on November 5^th we celebrate the failure of this plot, really rubbing it in by showing how easy it is to set fire to things and explode stuff.

Of course, going into Gameweek 11 in Fray Bentos, the reigning monarch was none other than King Chappers I of Los Yobos.  This meant all other players were seeking to metaphorically assassinate Paul, because that’s how you assume first place and win the game, as well as literally assassinate him, because of his personality.

Ominously for our malevolent leader, Los Yobos went into the weekend sitting on top of 36 other Fray Bentos teams – the exact same number of gunpowder barrels that Guy Fawkes was found with (I didn’t even have to enter multiple new teams into the league to make this true).

Sadly for (almost) all, every team failed to ignite, and Chapman clung on to power in the exact opposite way to which he has clung on to his dignity.  This despite spending four points to transfer out Jesus and Sterling (who scored a combined 10 points) and going insane in the membrane and entering a world of pain by replacing them with Kane and Sane (while ignoring Mane).

Many other teams were hit this week by Kane’s failure to launch, seemingly unaware of the fact that Harry is engaged in his very own plot against me, refusing to score whenever I make him captain, and hammering in a gazillion goals whenever I take the armband off him.  The top eight teams in Fray Bentos all saw their captains return just two points, with Trevor Garrett’s canny choice of Kevin de Bruyne as skipper seeing Penfolds Patriots rocket up the league.

At the top, Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC and Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) are the teams putting most pressure on Los Yobos, while Andy Dawkins’ commitment to nominative determinism continues, with Bottom by Christmas maintaining their tumble down the table.  Patiently waiting for Andy, Alison Breakwell’s Raised by Wolves remain in last place.  Alison’s leftfield choice of Burnley’s Nick Pope as goalkeeper did return eight points, and is perhaps a sign that the Catholic conspiracy/papal bouba diop plot to take down Chapman still has legs.

On to the actual football – Saturday’s matches started with a bang as Stoke and Leicester ding-donged a 2-2 draw.  This was particularly notable as a collection of twigs and branches on their way to being burned assumed sentient/near sentient form, pulled on a shirt that said ‘CROUCH 25’, and scored Stoke’s second equaliser.

However, the day’s oohs and aaahs quickly subsided.  Four 1-0 wins reaped little for most fantasy managers, who for some unknown reason haven’t built their team around defenders from Huddersfield, Bournemouth, Burnley and Brighton.  They really should learn from the game week’s big winner Ian Waller, whose Ward-Mee-Zanka defence yielded a third of Waller’s 1s to Watch’s 61 points.

Ian’s excitement couldn’t cover the general tedium.  The crowds were beginning to drift away, muttering that Bonfire Night just isn’t the same as in the good old days and because of PC gone mad and the feminazis and the barmy Brussels bureaucrats making fun illegal you can’t even have a bit of banter these days by shooting a Muslim into the sky or setting a woman on fire without them launching a harassment case against you.  Then along came West Ham, not just pouring petrol all over the bonfire, but pouring petrol all over themselves before jumping into the bonfire, to get the day’s display back on track.

Now, Catesby and many of his fellow gunpowder conspirators were not executed, but killed as they ran after hearing the plot had been discovered.  While they escaped the executioner, their bodies were subsequently decapitated, and their heads stuck on spikes outside the House of Lords.  Slaven Bilic’s decision to pick these 400-year-old heads on sticks in his defence on Saturday was a bold one, but ultimately it didn’t pay off.  Liverpool ran riot, rewarding many FPL managers, especially those who made the maverick decision of actually picking Mo Salah (and his 15 points), rather than just naming their team after him.

Sunday began with Spurs struggling with the step up in class from Real Madrid to Roy Hodgson’s Crystal Palace, ultimately sneaking a 1-0 win thanks to Heung-Min Son.  Son is classified as a midfielder in the fantasy game, and as a godsend by lazy headline-writing tabloid hacks (and genuine artists slumming it on the Fray Bentos blog) – SONFIRE NIGHT!  And no, it doesn’t matter that it was a 12:15pm kick-off and therefore the day.

Spurs’ North London rivals Arsenal travelled up to Manchester to take on league leaders Man City.  Of course, Arsene Wenger was well into his Arsenal reign when the Gunpowder Plot was launched, lamenting that though Fawkes and his conspirators had dominated possession of the gunpowder, they played with a little bit the handbrake on and lacked maybe little bit sharpness in the final third when it came to actually lighting the fuses, and when that happens of course you leave yourself open and can find yourself caught out on the counter-attack by the King’s men.

At the Etihad, Wenger decided to pick midfielder Francis Coquelin in Arsenal’s defence – an option that is denied to Fantasy Premier League managers, mainly because it is batshit mental.  Surprisingly enough, Arsenal were carved open in much the same manner Fawkes and co were during their executions, although City’s goals and assists were shared around between six players, contributing to the fairly middling scores all over the fantasy league.

Later at Goodison Park, Watford started like a rocket to go two up, but then made the classic mistake of returning to a lit firework, and had their faces blown off by an Everton comeback to 3-2.  Everton attempted to fire a projectile into their own foot by conceding a penalty in the 111^th minute, but Tom Cleverly grasped the opportunity like a kid grabbing the wrong end of a sparkler.  He sent his spot-kick veering widely off course like a homemade backyard firework that ends up setting fire to your fence and one of your children.

There was little attention on Everton-Watford, given the anticipation surrounding Manchester United’s visit to Chelsea.  This was odd, given that expecting fireworks from a big game involving Jose Mourinho is like expecting fireworks from a sexual encounter with yours truly.  In fact, Guy Fawkes survived being starved, hung from manacles, and stretched on the rack without whispering a word, but was then shown footage of United ‘taking on’ Liverpool last month and confessed all within 12 minutes.

Alvaro Morata frustrated everyone who had transferred him out to get Kane in by scoring the game’s only goal and his first for weeks.  Thus Chelsea manager Antonio Conte momentarily avoided being strapped to a roman abramovich candle and fired for the temerity of only winning one league title in the 1.25 seasons he has been at the club.

Nevertheless, we are inevitably in the dying embers of Conte’s and Chapman’s reigns, of bonfire weekend, and of this report.  All fires lose their heat, dwindle and ultimately die, just like your hopes and dreams.

GW7: Aguero injury a car crash for the Unconsoled

Sorry for the delay in this weeks round up folks, I was out last Friday with Sergio Aguero and it all got a bit messy, he should never have asked me to drive.

Someone else who had a shocker was Mike Pollard and The Unconsoled, dropping to 8th, with just 39 points. Mike opted to keep Aguero in his team, which is either a remarkable show of faith or perhaps Mike is just trapped under something heavy and can’t get to a computer. Sat next to Sergio on Mike’s bench was big Fellaini, who’s 16 points were as wasted as they were surprising.

Alvaro Morata of Chelsea walks off after being subbed

Dilettante Donkeys scored 63, and went top, although it didn’t all go Dono’s way what with Triple Captain Lukaku scoring a relatively meagre 18 (6×3) and his leaving of Doucoure’s 10 points on the bench. Like many others Donovan also saw Morata limp off for a prolonged stay on the physio’s bench, so interesting to see which way our league leader jumps this week.

Jumping to 2nd, perennial title chaser, Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) played their wildcard and reaped the benefits with a very useful 78 points. A strong 3 man defence returned 34 points, Richarlison chucked in 10 from midfield and a useful front two of Lukaku and Kane added another 25 between them, with Andy Carroll throwing in just the 1 point as he was mostly down the bookies and eating chips during his game.

Andy Dawkin’s blatantly lying Bottom By Christmas moved into third, thanks to another strong defencive unit, Doucoure in midfield, and Andy’s pin-up and Captain Harry Kane scoring 26 points (2×13).

Who needs Jesus? Mourinho resurrects Fellaini all by himself.

Top scorer of the week and leaping into 7th, was the previously unmentioned Lambeth Lightweights, marshalled by man about town and over-50s Batique champion Daniel Sandford-Smith. Key to Dan’s chart topping 88 was a whopping 51 points from his defence alone, incredibly featuring not one but two Arsenal players! Kev De Bruyne contributed 11 points courtesy of his match winning goal against Chelsea, and Jesus and Lukaku added another 17 between them.

Honourable mentions also to James Griffith and the underachievers (his lack of capitalisation, not mine – Ed) who displayed great use of the Triple Captain card to coax 39 points out of Harry Kane. And the third 80+ score of the week was inaugural Best Dressed Man of Fray Bentos frontrunner Pats Alcantara who’s Nice Boys scored a cool 80 points, catapulting them from their usual bottom spots to the heady heights of 30th. Nose bleed territory Pats and just 3 points behind a certain Matt O’Reilly in 29th, the tension in your gaff must be unbearable!

That’s it for this week. Always looking for volunteers to write a round-up, get in touch if you fancy a go, no standards too low.

GW5: Aguero the hero, Kane brings the pain

Quick update this week, believe it or not writing these posts doesn’t pay and baby needs shoes, so here goes…

The Unconsoled’s 96 points

Top scoring his way to the top of the league this week was Mike Pollard and The Unconsoled, a failed 50s Rockabilly act if ever I heard one. Mike scored what is I think the highest weekly score so far with 92 points, so fair play. 57 of those points came from his three Manchester City players, with yesterday’s man Sergio Aguero as captain returning a cool 40 on his own.

Not far behind Mike, an honourable mention to Gary Chapmans GFC (C) whose 86 points would normally be a top score. Manchester United fan Gary had a decidedly more United input to his team, with Valencia and captain Lukaku both putting a shift in.

Behind The Unconsoled, the Dilettante Donkeys kept their second place with a highly respected 76 points – kudos to manager Donovan Lambert – but Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers dropped two places to third, let down largely (as many others were) by captain Harry Kane and a total absence of City players.

In a high scoring week, special praise to Gary Young’s Always Next Year who managed just 28 points. I’m not one to kick a man when he’s down, but when captain Kane gets you 4 points, and he’s your third highest scorer, you know it’s been bad. Always next week Gary!

Only marginally higher scoring than Gary this week was Alison Breakwell’s Raised by Wolves, whose 34 points saw her go bottom of the table, much to the relief of Scott Grierson who now sits proudly in 36th spot. Are Alison or Scott reading this blog? I doubt it. Give em a nudge if you know them, they may want to know they’re getting a name check.

See you next week folks!

GW4: Klopp Flops, Kane Reigns

A guest author this week, Matthew O’Reilly of Draxler Utd fame committing the cardinal guest author sin of being both better-researched and funnier than the actual author. So enjoy his post, cos I won’t ask him back…

While the transfer window may have closed with a whimper, GW4 got off to an explosive start with Man City’s 5-0 drubbing of Liverpool. A torrid week for the Reds caught quite a few managers unaware with Matthew Ashman’s Peachy Poo all Stars particularly hard hit. A grand total of three points for his triumvirate of Mané, Salah and Firmino saw the all Stars slide down the table to 25^th spot. On the flipside, it was a points bonanza for virtually all of the Man City side who maintained clean sheets, scored or at least picked up an assist. De Bruyne’s 9-point haul – plus a raft of new nice-boy signings and an early use of the wildcard – helped to lift Pats’ Nice Boys off the bottom of the table. Early indications are that the Nice Boys and Mark Winter’s Expecting Failure could be locked in a season-long battle for bottom-of-the-league supremacy.

Things were a lot less rosy, meanwhile, for this season’s early, unwarranted and wholly unjustified success, Paul Chapman. Los Yobos had a shocker, scoring just 25 points – only three ahead of the week’s wooden spoon holders, Raised By Wolves. RBW’s manager, Alison Breakwell, must surely be regretting the decision to leave Harry Kane sitting on the lupine bench this week.

For many managers (sadly not you, Alison), it was the return of Kane that made all the difference. Cementing his reputation as the man who never scores in August, Kane fired into life this week with a brace against Everton. In so doing he bagged his 100^th Premier League goal, while his opposite, Rooney, was celebrating his own less glorious century by becoming only the second player in Premier League history to receive 100 yellow cards. Still, it’s probably Wayne’s most honourable achievement of the month. Every cloud and all that.

Kane’s haul of 13 points catapulted Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC and Andy Dawkins’ Bottom by Christmas into first and second place respectively, with both opting for the Tottenham man as captain. I’ve discussed the unacceptable performance of Bottom by Christmas with Andy and he assures me that we should expect to see them slide down the table in early December. One for the calendar then.

An unpredictable GW4 brought a raft of relative unknowns into the dream team with names like Pascal Groβ, Kiko Femenía and Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting (me neither) shaking things up a bit. Fortunately, this week also brought the welcome return of one of football’s better-known names, Mr Roy Hodgson. Man-of-a-thousand-faces Roy could bring some much-needed direction to the good ship Palace – a ship that is currently on fire, under attack by pirates and heading straight for an iceberg. Crucially (for me at least), he might be able to get something more out of Ruben Loftus-Cheek who, for the past four weeks, has sat on my subs bench serving up a series of anaemic one and two-point performances. GW5 sees them host Southampton and I for one will be cheering Roy all the way.