GW10: Amidst the dross, points found in Sane

A case of after the lord mayors show this week. Gameweek 9 saw Chelsea score 4, City score 3, Arsenal smash 5 and Spurs stick 4 past Liverpool (I forget what United did). And Fantasy Managers gobbled up the points like Diego Costa at an All You Can Eat Buffet. Gameweek 10 however was a far more dour affair. Star name providers like Manchester United, Arsenal, City and Chelsea won again but by single goals. Likewise, in Fray Bentos, Gameweeks 8 and 9 saw you amused, delighted and tantalised by posts from Mike Pollard and Pats Alcantara. This week you’ve got me again. Suck it up.

Continuing that depressing start to the post, Donovan Lamberts Dilettante Donkeys had a shocker this week, the previous league leader getting the lowest score in our league. Against a competition average of 46 points, the Donkey’s managed a mere 28. Superstars such as Alli, Silva, Rashford and Otamendi all flopped. Not even Jesus could save him. To second with you Donovan!

Still, ‘one manager’s shitshow is another manager’s slightly less shitshow’ as the popular saying goes, and who’s this bounding into the space left at the top of the table like a promising Under-19s player at a Geordie Shore cast party? Why it’s only my own Los Yobos! The Yobos didn’t have a great week either to be fair, a disappointing 39 points being the score. Would have been better had Captain Salah not missed a penalty, thanks Mo! But I’m not one to look Harry Kane a gift horse in the mouth, top spot it is!

Staying in third place, Andy Dawkin’s Bottom by Christmas also had a poor week. His beloved Spurs lost IRL, and his fantasy team didn’t do much better. Bottom by Christmas managed just 33 points with Captain Otamendi returning Notalotti (double zero is still zero sadly). A possible silver lining, Andy still has Kane in his squad and he may yet bounce Andy back to the top spot before long.

4th and 5th swopped places, with Tom Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC leapfrogging Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) to go equal 3rd. Tom has bided his time, only playing his wildcard this week. With Leroy Sane captain (2×12) and the pick of the leagues surprise packages, Tom could even afford to bench Aguero! I reckon Tom is one to watch in the next few weeks…

Elsewhere, a league high score of 78 saw Matt Hope’s Don’t Watch That FC propelled to 7th place, with newly transferred in Leroy Sane (captain) and Arsenal goal threat Kolasinac at the back chiefly responsible.

1 point behind Matt in 8th is Daniel Sandford-Smoth’s Lambeth Lightweights whose 77 points came from Kolasinac (captain), Hazard, Davis and me. I mean Mee.

Little change elsewhere in the league given the generally low scores. Struggling towards the bottom, like George Bush Sr behind an actress, Alison Breakwell’s Raised by Wolves disappointingly regained the wooden spoon. Alison, like many managers, opted to give Mickey T at United the heave ho and instead bought in Watford wunderkid, Richarlison. Straight into the team, and the captaincy to boot, Richarlison returned the favour to Alison with just 2 points (2×1). A bit Rubbishison.

However, the battle at the bottom remains fiercely contested. Scott Grierson’s Rosbroch FC may be up to 36th but they’re only 4 points ahead of Alison. And just 5 points ahead of Scott, in the final relegation place, is Matthew Ashman’s Peachy Poo all Stars, a team far more used to being at the top end of table. Perhaps distracted by his current scouting mission in Japan, Matt not only had Kane upfront (and a benchful of non-players to keep Kane on the pitch) but he also made Aguero TRIPLE CAPTAIN, reaping a grand haul of 0+0+0 (total: 0). SAD.

Ahead of Matt, is blog favourite Pats Alcantara’s Pats’ Nice Boys. The Nice Boys had an average week with little of note. However, a quick glance of their transfer history suggests a tumultuous relationship between Nice Boys manager Pats and Hammers Sweetheart Chicharito. What’s the story there Pats???

He loves me… he loves me not…

See you next week folks, when hopefully we’ll have another guest poster. Fancy a go? Leave a comment below!

GW9: Kane clears his name, but Jesus’ star is on the wane

This week’s guest post comes from footballing novice and Nice Boys’ manager, Pats Alcantara. While the Nice Boys have consistently languished towards the bottom of the Fray Bentos table, the season’s early and Pats is hopeful that his looks-based strategy can pay dividends in the long term. Explaining his selection and taking a look at the weekend’s movers and shakers, Pats writes:  

It was late one evening as I was preparing for bed and kissing goodnight to the flame-haired vixen of English football (aka Kevin de Bruyne) that the call came through: I was being brought off the subs bench to write this week’s guest post. As a kid growing up on the mean streets on Manila, this was the holy grail. Honours don’t come much higher, so I quickly dusted off my VHS, set MOTD to record and flicked through the back pages of The Metro on my Monday morning commute – ‘detailed journalistic preparation’, reckons Paul Chapman.

Pats gazes at his Manchester idols each evening before bed.

The Christians among you may want to look away now, as it was a disappointing week for Jesus. With no goals and  less than 20 minutes of game time, the Brazilian was poor value for the 14 Fray Bentos disciples who included him in their line-up and more especially for the 8 managers who selected him as captain. Instead, it was Man City’s very own Lazarus, Sergio Agüero, who got his team off the scoreboard in his first PL game since his recent argument with an Amsterdam lamppost.

Picking up a penalty in a comparatively sedate 3-0 win over Burnley, he equalled City’s all-time goal scoring record, briefly propelled himself to the top of the Fantasy points scorers and gave Steve Morgan’s Dreaming of Sheep a respectable six points. As the only manager to include Agüero in his starting 11, it was a shrewd move by Steve and I’d be surprised if the Argentine didn’t feature heavily in next week’s Fantasy transfers. Unfortunately for the Nice Boys, however, Agüero has failed the entrance exam, so won’t be starting for me this season. Luckily, there are plenty of nice boys eligible for selection among the City side and with Pep’s men dominating the Fantasy points table it’s difficult to argue against including a full complement in your line-up.

City riding high occupying half of the top points scorer positions so far

After a disappointing GW8, it was time for Harry Kane to step into the limelight so ignominiously vacated by Jesus. In an almost mirror image of last week, the Tottenham man put in a very respectable performance against Liverpool to bag 16 points. Kudos to both Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) and Mark Winter’s Expecting Failure who kept the faith and left Kane as captain. A little long in the face, perhaps, but Kane passes muster and was duly admitted to the Nice Boys side a few weeks ago. He’s bedding in quite well, although with Harry Winks in the Tottenham team you suspect Kane might feel a little aggrieved not to be the best looking Harry in the squad.

As for the rest of the forwards, this week was a mixed bag. Nice boys Morata and Chicharito got a point apiece, while the English-faced Jamie Vardy scarcely did much better scoring just two points. Top choice Romulus Lukakus – who rumour has it was suckled by a she-wolf – did a little better, despite Man Utd’s 2-1 defeat to Huddersfield. But he was a poor option as triple captain for Andy Dawkins’ Bottom by Christmas. Had he gone with his other starting forward, Kane, for triple captain Andy would have been sitting pretty at the top. Instead, Andy will have to content himself playing second fiddle to Donovan Lambert’s Dilettante Donkeys and Paul Chapman’s Los Yobos who occupy first and second spots.

Vardy: English face

In the midfield, meanwhile, Jon Exon-Taylor’s The Midwives may have stumbled upon a selection strategy to match that of the nice boys. The eagle-eyed among you may have spotted that both his starting midfielders feature an accented ‘e’ at the end of their names – maybe Jon can tell us if this was deliberate or accidental. Regardless, Sané’s 12 points and Doucouré’s 8 gave his midfield a healthy 20 and helped his side to their third 70+ score of the season, keeping him in contention for a top-ten finish.

Defensively, this week was all about hipster-nice-boy Nicolás Otamendi whose 15-point haul has only been outdone in the back line this season by also-nice-boys Marcos Alonso and Ben Davies. It should come as little surprise then that the top 3 in the Fray Bentos league all placed Otamendi in their starting 11. Nothing remarkable there, but he also featured in the surprise story of the week. Having hovered around last place since the start of the season, Alison Breakwell’s Raised By Wolves side put in a terrific display to earn her 88 points, equal to the week’s other top scorer, the aforementioned Expecting Failure. A few more performances like that and she could become the first woman to make it into the top 20. And in the sausage fest that is the Fray Bentos league, that would be no mean feat!

GW7: Aguero injury a car crash for the Unconsoled

Sorry for the delay in this weeks round up folks, I was out last Friday with Sergio Aguero and it all got a bit messy, he should never have asked me to drive.

Someone else who had a shocker was Mike Pollard and The Unconsoled, dropping to 8th, with just 39 points. Mike opted to keep Aguero in his team, which is either a remarkable show of faith or perhaps Mike is just trapped under something heavy and can’t get to a computer. Sat next to Sergio on Mike’s bench was big Fellaini, who’s 16 points were as wasted as they were surprising.

Alvaro Morata of Chelsea walks off after being subbed

Dilettante Donkeys scored 63, and went top, although it didn’t all go Dono’s way what with Triple Captain Lukaku scoring a relatively meagre 18 (6×3) and his leaving of Doucoure’s 10 points on the bench. Like many others Donovan also saw Morata limp off for a prolonged stay on the physio’s bench, so interesting to see which way our league leader jumps this week.

Jumping to 2nd, perennial title chaser, Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) played their wildcard and reaped the benefits with a very useful 78 points. A strong 3 man defence returned 34 points, Richarlison chucked in 10 from midfield and a useful front two of Lukaku and Kane added another 25 between them, with Andy Carroll throwing in just the 1 point as he was mostly down the bookies and eating chips during his game.

Andy Dawkin’s blatantly lying Bottom By Christmas moved into third, thanks to another strong defencive unit, Doucoure in midfield, and Andy’s pin-up and Captain Harry Kane scoring 26 points (2×13).

Who needs Jesus? Mourinho resurrects Fellaini all by himself.

Top scorer of the week and leaping into 7th, was the previously unmentioned Lambeth Lightweights, marshalled by man about town and over-50s Batique champion Daniel Sandford-Smith. Key to Dan’s chart topping 88 was a whopping 51 points from his defence alone, incredibly featuring not one but two Arsenal players! Kev De Bruyne contributed 11 points courtesy of his match winning goal against Chelsea, and Jesus and Lukaku added another 17 between them.

Honourable mentions also to James Griffith and the underachievers (his lack of capitalisation, not mine – Ed) who displayed great use of the Triple Captain card to coax 39 points out of Harry Kane. And the third 80+ score of the week was inaugural Best Dressed Man of Fray Bentos frontrunner Pats Alcantara who’s Nice Boys scored a cool 80 points, catapulting them from their usual bottom spots to the heady heights of 30th. Nose bleed territory Pats and just 3 points behind a certain Matt O’Reilly in 29th, the tension in your gaff must be unbearable!

That’s it for this week. Always looking for volunteers to write a round-up, get in touch if you fancy a go, no standards too low.

GW2: Yobs on top, Nice Boys bottom

Week 2, and it’s still far too early to read anything into the table but… I’m top! Hurrah! First time since the second Blair government I think.

So, Los Yobos take top spot, edging out GW1 leaders About Time. Yobos can largely thank their full contingent of United stars, 37 points coming from Lukaku (cap), Mickey T and Bailly. Make it 45 if you add the cheeky 8 points from ex-United man Wayne Rooney. Go on, make it 58 points if you add the lovely 13 smackers from ex-United star Chicharito. I see a pattern developing in my team I hadn’t noticed.

About Time drop to second but with a respectable 50+ score. Kirt Hunte, manager, can count himself unfortunate to have left 18 points sat on his bench. In fact, if he’d dropped Lloris and Vertonghen for Gomes and Williams he’d be top. So let’s ignore that Unconvenient Truth.

Yobos manager reaction to going top branded ‘pathetic’ by wife

Third place this week is shared by Keith Lambert, boss man of The Lamb, and Mike Pollards Unconsoled. League stalwart Keith had Pogba (15 pts) and Liverpool’s Mane (2×8) to thank for 31 of his teams 62 points, with useful chipping in from Lukaku and the cumbersomely named Gabbiadini.

Sharing third is Mike Pollard which is especially impressive given Mike is both a Fantasy Football and AN ACTUAL virgin, despite being about 62. Mike top scored the entire week with a huge 80 points, thanks in large part to Captain Pog (2×15) and a cool 16 points from Marco Alonso. Mike will be especially pleased with the Alonso points given he is a Chelsea fan and AN ACTUAL virgin.

Last and, points wise, least is – sadly – Pat Alcantera and his Nice Boys. Perhaps the Nice Boys need to stop being quite so easy on the eye and concentrate on scoring a few more points! But it’s early days Pat, stay strong.

That’s all for this week. Those of you who picked ‘1’ in the How Many Weeks Before Chapman Gets Bored And Stops Posting Blog Updates Sweepstake have lost.