GW16: Kane, Salah, hurrah… Whatever will be will be…

The weekend is barely over and yet already the next game week Brighton and Hove Albions into view. The game weeks come thick and fast this time of year, and who else encapsulates those two attributes better than Mike Pollard, manager of The Unconsoled. Not surprisingly Mike didn’t let me down, and filed his report by return of post…

This game week saw a return to form for Spurs and the continued success of Mo Salah in front of goal.  As a result, the high point scorers in Fray Bentos had Salah or Kane in their teams, usually as captain.  Top scorer, Andy Dawkins, had both players and amassed an impressive 75 points, but risks running seriously foul of the Trades Description Act with his team “Bottom by Christmas”.

Well done to Thomas Ashman, whose Benchwarmers retained top spot with 67 points (Kane and Salah).  An honourable mention for Alison Breakwell’s Raised by Wolves, who bagged the second highest points tally of 72, thanks to Kane and Ottamendi.  As if Man City don’t have enough goal scorers in their side, Ottamendi now has 5 goals and is the 2^nd equal rated defender, points-wise.

Morata shows off how many goals he’s scored lately.

But plenty of the current hot picks failed to deliver for their managers – notably Morata, Aguero, DeBruyne and Lukaku.  GW15 saw many of those teams slide down the table, including my own Unconsoled – that’s real commitment to the name, Andy Dawkins!  My score was not helped by Morata, RIcharlison and Abraham missing golden chances to score when clean through on goal.

On to the actual matches, 3 cracking derbies on paper produced only a few goals and two shock results – Chelsea losing to WHU and Everton getting a draw at Anfield.  The verbal fireworks between managers was also muted, although Mourinho managed to get in a nice pre-match dig when he accused the City players of diving.  Jose had obviously forgotten about Ashley Young in his team, but he was proved more or less correct when Walker and Jesus showed off their diving skills.  Despite that, Man City probably deserved to win and the PL title race looks over already.

Group photo from latest Premier League Managers convention.

The manager merry-go-round is working overtime, but I enjoy having characters like Roy Hodgson and Sam Allardyce back in the PL.  I’d like to see more managers who resemble their teams in some way.  Arsenal and Arsene lead the way, of course, although they’re sometimes known as Wenger’s Whingers.  We’ve got Klopp at the Kop, and I look forward to the arrival of Jurgen’s brother Klippety.  Man Utd are known as the Red Devils – not, as you might think, a reflection of their attacking play, but a tribute to the bright red face of Sralex Ferguson caught in mid rant.  I just looked up the English translation of “Guardiola”, hoping it meant something like enormous sense of entitlement, or stupid money, but apparently it means “booth”, as in ticket booth, although Man City did have a player called Tommy Booth in the 70s…….

Anyway, Roy Hodgson was very disappointed he didn’t get to see Santa at the North Pole this Xmas – he just couldn’t get past Iceland.  Which brings us to the World Cup draw and the chance to see which unexpected minnow England can lose to this summer.  Having been recently beaten by Australia in cricket and rugby league, it would be nice if we could get some revenge in the most important sport worldwide.

Poor sod.

Australia beat Syria to qualify for the World Cup finals, and Syria had to play their home match in Malaysia due to their domestic “troubles”.  The USA will not be in Russia this summer, having been knocked out by Trinidad and Tobago.  This meant a sacking for the wonderfully named US coach, Bruce Arena.  If he’d taken them to a World Cup final, just imagine what the new national stadium could have been called!  The World Cup will probably be won by one of the usual suspects, but we’re bound to have some shock results along the way.  One reporter tried to explain how football actually works at the 1998 world Cup: “Norway beat Brazil, who beat Chile, who drew with Italy, who beat Norway.  Therefore, clearly Norway are a much better side than Norway”.

GW11: What goes up, stays on top

I’m in a rush this week, so with hardly any pre-amble and virtually no ado, I present for your delectation, this weeks report from David MacNicoll, Manager of ‘Mo Salah Mo Problems’, a clever and funny team name who’s selection represented the highpoint of David’s involvement in this years league…

In 1605, Robert Catesby led a Catholic conspiracy to assassinate King James I by blowing up the House of Lords.  Every year on November 5^th we celebrate the failure of this plot, really rubbing it in by showing how easy it is to set fire to things and explode stuff.

Of course, going into Gameweek 11 in Fray Bentos, the reigning monarch was none other than King Chappers I of Los Yobos.  This meant all other players were seeking to metaphorically assassinate Paul, because that’s how you assume first place and win the game, as well as literally assassinate him, because of his personality.

Ominously for our malevolent leader, Los Yobos went into the weekend sitting on top of 36 other Fray Bentos teams – the exact same number of gunpowder barrels that Guy Fawkes was found with (I didn’t even have to enter multiple new teams into the league to make this true).

Sadly for (almost) all, every team failed to ignite, and Chapman clung on to power in the exact opposite way to which he has clung on to his dignity.  This despite spending four points to transfer out Jesus and Sterling (who scored a combined 10 points) and going insane in the membrane and entering a world of pain by replacing them with Kane and Sane (while ignoring Mane).

Many other teams were hit this week by Kane’s failure to launch, seemingly unaware of the fact that Harry is engaged in his very own plot against me, refusing to score whenever I make him captain, and hammering in a gazillion goals whenever I take the armband off him.  The top eight teams in Fray Bentos all saw their captains return just two points, with Trevor Garrett’s canny choice of Kevin de Bruyne as skipper seeing Penfolds Patriots rocket up the league.

At the top, Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC and Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) are the teams putting most pressure on Los Yobos, while Andy Dawkins’ commitment to nominative determinism continues, with Bottom by Christmas maintaining their tumble down the table.  Patiently waiting for Andy, Alison Breakwell’s Raised by Wolves remain in last place.  Alison’s leftfield choice of Burnley’s Nick Pope as goalkeeper did return eight points, and is perhaps a sign that the Catholic conspiracy/papal bouba diop plot to take down Chapman still has legs.

On to the actual football – Saturday’s matches started with a bang as Stoke and Leicester ding-donged a 2-2 draw.  This was particularly notable as a collection of twigs and branches on their way to being burned assumed sentient/near sentient form, pulled on a shirt that said ‘CROUCH 25’, and scored Stoke’s second equaliser.

However, the day’s oohs and aaahs quickly subsided.  Four 1-0 wins reaped little for most fantasy managers, who for some unknown reason haven’t built their team around defenders from Huddersfield, Bournemouth, Burnley and Brighton.  They really should learn from the game week’s big winner Ian Waller, whose Ward-Mee-Zanka defence yielded a third of Waller’s 1s to Watch’s 61 points.

Ian’s excitement couldn’t cover the general tedium.  The crowds were beginning to drift away, muttering that Bonfire Night just isn’t the same as in the good old days and because of PC gone mad and the feminazis and the barmy Brussels bureaucrats making fun illegal you can’t even have a bit of banter these days by shooting a Muslim into the sky or setting a woman on fire without them launching a harassment case against you.  Then along came West Ham, not just pouring petrol all over the bonfire, but pouring petrol all over themselves before jumping into the bonfire, to get the day’s display back on track.

Now, Catesby and many of his fellow gunpowder conspirators were not executed, but killed as they ran after hearing the plot had been discovered.  While they escaped the executioner, their bodies were subsequently decapitated, and their heads stuck on spikes outside the House of Lords.  Slaven Bilic’s decision to pick these 400-year-old heads on sticks in his defence on Saturday was a bold one, but ultimately it didn’t pay off.  Liverpool ran riot, rewarding many FPL managers, especially those who made the maverick decision of actually picking Mo Salah (and his 15 points), rather than just naming their team after him.

Sunday began with Spurs struggling with the step up in class from Real Madrid to Roy Hodgson’s Crystal Palace, ultimately sneaking a 1-0 win thanks to Heung-Min Son.  Son is classified as a midfielder in the fantasy game, and as a godsend by lazy headline-writing tabloid hacks (and genuine artists slumming it on the Fray Bentos blog) – SONFIRE NIGHT!  And no, it doesn’t matter that it was a 12:15pm kick-off and therefore the day.

Spurs’ North London rivals Arsenal travelled up to Manchester to take on league leaders Man City.  Of course, Arsene Wenger was well into his Arsenal reign when the Gunpowder Plot was launched, lamenting that though Fawkes and his conspirators had dominated possession of the gunpowder, they played with a little bit the handbrake on and lacked maybe little bit sharpness in the final third when it came to actually lighting the fuses, and when that happens of course you leave yourself open and can find yourself caught out on the counter-attack by the King’s men.

At the Etihad, Wenger decided to pick midfielder Francis Coquelin in Arsenal’s defence – an option that is denied to Fantasy Premier League managers, mainly because it is batshit mental.  Surprisingly enough, Arsenal were carved open in much the same manner Fawkes and co were during their executions, although City’s goals and assists were shared around between six players, contributing to the fairly middling scores all over the fantasy league.

Later at Goodison Park, Watford started like a rocket to go two up, but then made the classic mistake of returning to a lit firework, and had their faces blown off by an Everton comeback to 3-2.  Everton attempted to fire a projectile into their own foot by conceding a penalty in the 111^th minute, but Tom Cleverly grasped the opportunity like a kid grabbing the wrong end of a sparkler.  He sent his spot-kick veering widely off course like a homemade backyard firework that ends up setting fire to your fence and one of your children.

There was little attention on Everton-Watford, given the anticipation surrounding Manchester United’s visit to Chelsea.  This was odd, given that expecting fireworks from a big game involving Jose Mourinho is like expecting fireworks from a sexual encounter with yours truly.  In fact, Guy Fawkes survived being starved, hung from manacles, and stretched on the rack without whispering a word, but was then shown footage of United ‘taking on’ Liverpool last month and confessed all within 12 minutes.

Alvaro Morata frustrated everyone who had transferred him out to get Kane in by scoring the game’s only goal and his first for weeks.  Thus Chelsea manager Antonio Conte momentarily avoided being strapped to a roman abramovich candle and fired for the temerity of only winning one league title in the 1.25 seasons he has been at the club.

Nevertheless, we are inevitably in the dying embers of Conte’s and Chapman’s reigns, of bonfire weekend, and of this report.  All fires lose their heat, dwindle and ultimately die, just like your hopes and dreams.

GW10: Amidst the dross, points found in Sane

A case of after the lord mayors show this week. Gameweek 9 saw Chelsea score 4, City score 3, Arsenal smash 5 and Spurs stick 4 past Liverpool (I forget what United did). And Fantasy Managers gobbled up the points like Diego Costa at an All You Can Eat Buffet. Gameweek 10 however was a far more dour affair. Star name providers like Manchester United, Arsenal, City and Chelsea won again but by single goals. Likewise, in Fray Bentos, Gameweeks 8 and 9 saw you amused, delighted and tantalised by posts from Mike Pollard and Pats Alcantara. This week you’ve got me again. Suck it up.

Continuing that depressing start to the post, Donovan Lamberts Dilettante Donkeys had a shocker this week, the previous league leader getting the lowest score in our league. Against a competition average of 46 points, the Donkey’s managed a mere 28. Superstars such as Alli, Silva, Rashford and Otamendi all flopped. Not even Jesus could save him. To second with you Donovan!

Still, ‘one manager’s shitshow is another manager’s slightly less shitshow’ as the popular saying goes, and who’s this bounding into the space left at the top of the table like a promising Under-19s player at a Geordie Shore cast party? Why it’s only my own Los Yobos! The Yobos didn’t have a great week either to be fair, a disappointing 39 points being the score. Would have been better had Captain Salah not missed a penalty, thanks Mo! But I’m not one to look Harry Kane a gift horse in the mouth, top spot it is!

Staying in third place, Andy Dawkin’s Bottom by Christmas also had a poor week. His beloved Spurs lost IRL, and his fantasy team didn’t do much better. Bottom by Christmas managed just 33 points with Captain Otamendi returning Notalotti (double zero is still zero sadly). A possible silver lining, Andy still has Kane in his squad and he may yet bounce Andy back to the top spot before long.

4th and 5th swopped places, with Tom Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC leapfrogging Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) to go equal 3rd. Tom has bided his time, only playing his wildcard this week. With Leroy Sane captain (2×12) and the pick of the leagues surprise packages, Tom could even afford to bench Aguero! I reckon Tom is one to watch in the next few weeks…

Elsewhere, a league high score of 78 saw Matt Hope’s Don’t Watch That FC propelled to 7th place, with newly transferred in Leroy Sane (captain) and Arsenal goal threat Kolasinac at the back chiefly responsible.

1 point behind Matt in 8th is Daniel Sandford-Smoth’s Lambeth Lightweights whose 77 points came from Kolasinac (captain), Hazard, Davis and me. I mean Mee.

Little change elsewhere in the league given the generally low scores. Struggling towards the bottom, like George Bush Sr behind an actress, Alison Breakwell’s Raised by Wolves disappointingly regained the wooden spoon. Alison, like many managers, opted to give Mickey T at United the heave ho and instead bought in Watford wunderkid, Richarlison. Straight into the team, and the captaincy to boot, Richarlison returned the favour to Alison with just 2 points (2×1). A bit Rubbishison.

However, the battle at the bottom remains fiercely contested. Scott Grierson’s Rosbroch FC may be up to 36th but they’re only 4 points ahead of Alison. And just 5 points ahead of Scott, in the final relegation place, is Matthew Ashman’s Peachy Poo all Stars, a team far more used to being at the top end of table. Perhaps distracted by his current scouting mission in Japan, Matt not only had Kane upfront (and a benchful of non-players to keep Kane on the pitch) but he also made Aguero TRIPLE CAPTAIN, reaping a grand haul of 0+0+0 (total: 0). SAD.

Ahead of Matt, is blog favourite Pats Alcantara’s Pats’ Nice Boys. The Nice Boys had an average week with little of note. However, a quick glance of their transfer history suggests a tumultuous relationship between Nice Boys manager Pats and Hammers Sweetheart Chicharito. What’s the story there Pats???

He loves me… he loves me not…

See you next week folks, when hopefully we’ll have another guest poster. Fancy a go? Leave a comment below!

GW9: Kane clears his name, but Jesus’ star is on the wane

This week’s guest post comes from footballing novice and Nice Boys’ manager, Pats Alcantara. While the Nice Boys have consistently languished towards the bottom of the Fray Bentos table, the season’s early and Pats is hopeful that his looks-based strategy can pay dividends in the long term. Explaining his selection and taking a look at the weekend’s movers and shakers, Pats writes:  

It was late one evening as I was preparing for bed and kissing goodnight to the flame-haired vixen of English football (aka Kevin de Bruyne) that the call came through: I was being brought off the subs bench to write this week’s guest post. As a kid growing up on the mean streets on Manila, this was the holy grail. Honours don’t come much higher, so I quickly dusted off my VHS, set MOTD to record and flicked through the back pages of The Metro on my Monday morning commute – ‘detailed journalistic preparation’, reckons Paul Chapman.

Pats gazes at his Manchester idols each evening before bed.

The Christians among you may want to look away now, as it was a disappointing week for Jesus. With no goals and  less than 20 minutes of game time, the Brazilian was poor value for the 14 Fray Bentos disciples who included him in their line-up and more especially for the 8 managers who selected him as captain. Instead, it was Man City’s very own Lazarus, Sergio Agüero, who got his team off the scoreboard in his first PL game since his recent argument with an Amsterdam lamppost.

Picking up a penalty in a comparatively sedate 3-0 win over Burnley, he equalled City’s all-time goal scoring record, briefly propelled himself to the top of the Fantasy points scorers and gave Steve Morgan’s Dreaming of Sheep a respectable six points. As the only manager to include Agüero in his starting 11, it was a shrewd move by Steve and I’d be surprised if the Argentine didn’t feature heavily in next week’s Fantasy transfers. Unfortunately for the Nice Boys, however, Agüero has failed the entrance exam, so won’t be starting for me this season. Luckily, there are plenty of nice boys eligible for selection among the City side and with Pep’s men dominating the Fantasy points table it’s difficult to argue against including a full complement in your line-up.

City riding high occupying half of the top points scorer positions so far

After a disappointing GW8, it was time for Harry Kane to step into the limelight so ignominiously vacated by Jesus. In an almost mirror image of last week, the Tottenham man put in a very respectable performance against Liverpool to bag 16 points. Kudos to both Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) and Mark Winter’s Expecting Failure who kept the faith and left Kane as captain. A little long in the face, perhaps, but Kane passes muster and was duly admitted to the Nice Boys side a few weeks ago. He’s bedding in quite well, although with Harry Winks in the Tottenham team you suspect Kane might feel a little aggrieved not to be the best looking Harry in the squad.

As for the rest of the forwards, this week was a mixed bag. Nice boys Morata and Chicharito got a point apiece, while the English-faced Jamie Vardy scarcely did much better scoring just two points. Top choice Romulus Lukakus – who rumour has it was suckled by a she-wolf – did a little better, despite Man Utd’s 2-1 defeat to Huddersfield. But he was a poor option as triple captain for Andy Dawkins’ Bottom by Christmas. Had he gone with his other starting forward, Kane, for triple captain Andy would have been sitting pretty at the top. Instead, Andy will have to content himself playing second fiddle to Donovan Lambert’s Dilettante Donkeys and Paul Chapman’s Los Yobos who occupy first and second spots.

Vardy: English face

In the midfield, meanwhile, Jon Exon-Taylor’s The Midwives may have stumbled upon a selection strategy to match that of the nice boys. The eagle-eyed among you may have spotted that both his starting midfielders feature an accented ‘e’ at the end of their names – maybe Jon can tell us if this was deliberate or accidental. Regardless, Sané’s 12 points and Doucouré’s 8 gave his midfield a healthy 20 and helped his side to their third 70+ score of the season, keeping him in contention for a top-ten finish.

Defensively, this week was all about hipster-nice-boy Nicolás Otamendi whose 15-point haul has only been outdone in the back line this season by also-nice-boys Marcos Alonso and Ben Davies. It should come as little surprise then that the top 3 in the Fray Bentos league all placed Otamendi in their starting 11. Nothing remarkable there, but he also featured in the surprise story of the week. Having hovered around last place since the start of the season, Alison Breakwell’s Raised By Wolves side put in a terrific display to earn her 88 points, equal to the week’s other top scorer, the aforementioned Expecting Failure. A few more performances like that and she could become the first woman to make it into the top 20. And in the sausage fest that is the Fray Bentos league, that would be no mean feat!

GW7: Aguero injury a car crash for the Unconsoled

Sorry for the delay in this weeks round up folks, I was out last Friday with Sergio Aguero and it all got a bit messy, he should never have asked me to drive.

Someone else who had a shocker was Mike Pollard and The Unconsoled, dropping to 8th, with just 39 points. Mike opted to keep Aguero in his team, which is either a remarkable show of faith or perhaps Mike is just trapped under something heavy and can’t get to a computer. Sat next to Sergio on Mike’s bench was big Fellaini, who’s 16 points were as wasted as they were surprising.

Alvaro Morata of Chelsea walks off after being subbed

Dilettante Donkeys scored 63, and went top, although it didn’t all go Dono’s way what with Triple Captain Lukaku scoring a relatively meagre 18 (6×3) and his leaving of Doucoure’s 10 points on the bench. Like many others Donovan also saw Morata limp off for a prolonged stay on the physio’s bench, so interesting to see which way our league leader jumps this week.

Jumping to 2nd, perennial title chaser, Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) played their wildcard and reaped the benefits with a very useful 78 points. A strong 3 man defence returned 34 points, Richarlison chucked in 10 from midfield and a useful front two of Lukaku and Kane added another 25 between them, with Andy Carroll throwing in just the 1 point as he was mostly down the bookies and eating chips during his game.

Andy Dawkin’s blatantly lying Bottom By Christmas moved into third, thanks to another strong defencive unit, Doucoure in midfield, and Andy’s pin-up and Captain Harry Kane scoring 26 points (2×13).

Who needs Jesus? Mourinho resurrects Fellaini all by himself.

Top scorer of the week and leaping into 7th, was the previously unmentioned Lambeth Lightweights, marshalled by man about town and over-50s Batique champion Daniel Sandford-Smith. Key to Dan’s chart topping 88 was a whopping 51 points from his defence alone, incredibly featuring not one but two Arsenal players! Kev De Bruyne contributed 11 points courtesy of his match winning goal against Chelsea, and Jesus and Lukaku added another 17 between them.

Honourable mentions also to James Griffith and the underachievers (his lack of capitalisation, not mine – Ed) who displayed great use of the Triple Captain card to coax 39 points out of Harry Kane. And the third 80+ score of the week was inaugural Best Dressed Man of Fray Bentos frontrunner Pats Alcantara who’s Nice Boys scored a cool 80 points, catapulting them from their usual bottom spots to the heady heights of 30th. Nose bleed territory Pats and just 3 points behind a certain Matt O’Reilly in 29th, the tension in your gaff must be unbearable!

That’s it for this week. Always looking for volunteers to write a round-up, get in touch if you fancy a go, no standards too low.