GW26: Patriots plant flag, Rambo bags 3

An increasingly rare report that lands at least the day before the actual matches start, does anyone have anything to say about it? Do they? Well? Right, let’s move on.

Top score this week was Keith Lambert’s The Lamb with 78 big ones. Points were spread around liberally, with Danilo, Doucoure, GroB, Salah and even goal-shy fop Lukaku chipping in. Keith’s haul saw him leap up to 7th from, I think, just outside the top ten the week previous, chapeu Keith.

At the other end of the fantasy wedge, Mark Winter’s Expecting Failure won’t have been surprised to score just 20 points. No Mahrez for Mark, at least his second highest scoring starter was his captain, but sadly his second highest scoring starter was Sterling, who scored 3. On the bench, reserve keeper Lossl scored 10 points, or 50% of the starting 11 put together. Oh dear.

At the top, after weeks of Bench Warmers FC showing the rest of us his suspicously pert behind, we have yet another new leader. Penfolds Patriots went top with 51 points, thanks in no small part to Captain Mo Salah delivering double his juicy 15 points. Dropping back to second was Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) who scored roughly the same amount of points as Trevor but had the misfortune to hand the captains armband to Sergio Aguero who delivered two times… two. Thanks for that Sergio.

Little other change in the top 10, a bit of nip and tuck, but a tawdry 28 points for Paul Hope’s English XI saw them drop two places to 8th. And my own dismal run of form saw Los Yobos clinging to the top 10 by two points. A small man in my position would point to Captain Kane missing a pen, my Palace defender being stretchered off after 20 minutes, and Marco Alonso being mysteriously dropped by a manager who appears to have seen how much cash he’ll get if he’s fired by Abramovich. And so I point to all those things.

Last and least, but with a rare ray of good news, Raymond Conley Smith’s Alasdairs Army scored a, relatively, mammoth 48 points to remind us all that he’s not finished yet. Salah and GroB providing the rump of the points.

On the actual football pitches of real life, top scorer as a player was Rambo Ramsey with useful scores also posted by newly moved Mkhitaryan and newly re-transferred from Barca Gerard Deulofeu. Interesting transfer options? Don’t ask me.

That’s your lot!

GW14: Mo Salah Mo Points

‘That gobshite again! Is he never off the air!‘ So said Father Jack (from the series Father Ted) about Father Dougal, but he could equally have been referring to me and the frequency of these bloody gameweek reports. Or he could have been talking about Gary Lineker controversially fronting today’s World Cup Draw. Ooh, bit of politics.

Anyway, let’s just get this unpleasantness over with shall we, there’s another round of matches tomorrow after all.

So who top scored this week? Not one of the usual suspects, this week it was James Griffith and the underachievers. And what a top score it was too. In a week where the league average was 47 points, James scored nearly double, 90 points! Impressive stuff. It’s the midfield that stands out, James having 3 of the weeks star performers. De Bruyne, Mane and Salah have all had their moments this season (Salah in particular who is the leagues star performer) but Ashley Young bagging 15 points must have been a particular delight. Nice work from Pickford at the back too, just one of the 18 goalkeepers in the Premiership better than England’s number 1 Joe Hart who let in 4 against Everton.

An honourable mention goes to Matt Hope’s Don’t Watch That FC who have stealthily crept into 4th place, scoring a creditable 59 points (2nd best behind James was Gary Young’s Always Next Year whose very good 69 points was still a whopping 21 points less).

The Underachievers score was enough to steal November’s MOTM award at the death from Keith Lambert’s The Lamb. Congrats James, commiserations Keith. And who’s that sneaking into November’s Top 10 Managers? It’s Pats Alcantera and the Cheeky Boys! I mean Nice Boys.

‘Give over. Really?? England’s best keeper? Oh bless you.’

So, at the top, Tom Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC remain in top spot but a meagre 40 points mean’t they are now just 10 points ahead of Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) in second and my own Los Yobos who dropped to 3rd, a point behind my uglier, meaner, slightly fascist cousin. He hates kids too. And dogs. Just saying. Matt Hope sneaking to 4th means The Lamb are now in 5th, joint on points with Lambeth Lightweights. Worth pointing out just 20 points separates the top 6. What? It wasn’t worth pointing out? Suit yourself.

At the bottom it was more leapfrogging with Rosbroch overtaking Raised by Wolves yet again. Alison Breakwell scoried just 28 this week, just 3 more than the lowest score of the week, 25 points from Erik Lambert’s Muddy’s Men Utd. Chin up all of you, we’re not even half way through the season yet! What do you mean that hasn’t cheered you up? No pleasing some people.

Finally, I did a tiny amount of research into the top 10 teams and there’s a breakdown of the most popular performers below.

I thank you!

Mo Salah: 8
Harry Kane: 7
Dave De Gea: 6
Leroy Sane: 5
Baby Jesus: 4
Lukaku, Morata, Richarlison, GroB: 3

GW2: Yobs on top, Nice Boys bottom

Week 2, and it’s still far too early to read anything into the table but… I’m top! Hurrah! First time since the second Blair government I think.

So, Los Yobos take top spot, edging out GW1 leaders About Time. Yobos can largely thank their full contingent of United stars, 37 points coming from Lukaku (cap), Mickey T and Bailly. Make it 45 if you add the cheeky 8 points from ex-United man Wayne Rooney. Go on, make it 58 points if you add the lovely 13 smackers from ex-United star Chicharito. I see a pattern developing in my team I hadn’t noticed.

About Time drop to second but with a respectable 50+ score. Kirt Hunte, manager, can count himself unfortunate to have left 18 points sat on his bench. In fact, if he’d dropped Lloris and Vertonghen for Gomes and Williams he’d be top. So let’s ignore that Unconvenient Truth.

Yobos manager reaction to going top branded ‘pathetic’ by wife

Third place this week is shared by Keith Lambert, boss man of The Lamb, and Mike Pollards Unconsoled. League stalwart Keith had Pogba (15 pts) and Liverpool’s Mane (2×8) to thank for 31 of his teams 62 points, with useful chipping in from Lukaku and the cumbersomely named Gabbiadini.

Sharing third is Mike Pollard which is especially impressive given Mike is both a Fantasy Football and AN ACTUAL virgin, despite being about 62. Mike top scored the entire week with a huge 80 points, thanks in large part to Captain Pog (2×15) and a cool 16 points from Marco Alonso. Mike will be especially pleased with the Alonso points given he is a Chelsea fan and AN ACTUAL virgin.

Last and, points wise, least is – sadly – Pat Alcantera and his Nice Boys. Perhaps the Nice Boys need to stop being quite so easy on the eye and concentrate on scoring a few more points! But it’s early days Pat, stay strong.

That’s all for this week. Those of you who picked ‘1’ in the How Many Weeks Before Chapman Gets Bored And Stops Posting Blog Updates Sweepstake have lost.