GW14: Mo Salah Mo Points

‘That gobshite again! Is he never off the air!‘ So said Father Jack (from the series Father Ted) about Father Dougal, but he could equally have been referring to me and the frequency of these bloody gameweek reports. Or he could have been talking about Gary Lineker controversially fronting today’s World Cup Draw. Ooh, bit of politics.

Anyway, let’s just get this unpleasantness over with shall we, there’s another round of matches tomorrow after all.

So who top scored this week? Not one of the usual suspects, this week it was James Griffith and the underachievers. And what a top score it was too. In a week where the league average was 47 points, James scored nearly double, 90 points! Impressive stuff. It’s the midfield that stands out, James having 3 of the weeks star performers. De Bruyne, Mane and Salah have all had their moments this season (Salah in particular who is the leagues star performer) but Ashley Young bagging 15 points must have been a particular delight. Nice work from Pickford at the back too, just one of the 18 goalkeepers in the Premiership better than England’s number 1 Joe Hart who let in 4 against Everton.

An honourable mention goes to Matt Hope’s Don’t Watch That FC who have stealthily crept into 4th place, scoring a creditable 59 points (2nd best behind James was Gary Young’s Always Next Year whose very good 69 points was still a whopping 21 points less).

The Underachievers score was enough to steal November’s MOTM award at the death from Keith Lambert’s The Lamb. Congrats James, commiserations Keith. And who’s that sneaking into November’s Top 10 Managers? It’s Pats Alcantera and the Cheeky Boys! I mean Nice Boys.

‘Give over. Really?? England’s best keeper? Oh bless you.’

So, at the top, Tom Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC remain in top spot but a meagre 40 points mean’t they are now just 10 points ahead of Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) in second and my own Los Yobos who dropped to 3rd, a point behind my uglier, meaner, slightly fascist cousin. He hates kids too. And dogs. Just saying. Matt Hope sneaking to 4th means The Lamb are now in 5th, joint on points with Lambeth Lightweights. Worth pointing out just 20 points separates the top 6. What? It wasn’t worth pointing out? Suit yourself.

At the bottom it was more leapfrogging with Rosbroch overtaking Raised by Wolves yet again. Alison Breakwell scoried just 28 this week, just 3 more than the lowest score of the week, 25 points from Erik Lambert’s Muddy’s Men Utd. Chin up all of you, we’re not even half way through the season yet! What do you mean that hasn’t cheered you up? No pleasing some people.

Finally, I did a tiny amount of research into the top 10 teams and there’s a breakdown of the most popular performers below.

I thank you!

Mo Salah: 8
Harry Kane: 7
Dave De Gea: 6
Leroy Sane: 5
Baby Jesus: 4
Lukaku, Morata, Richarlison, GroB: 3

GW13: Tom stays top, Lukaku continues to fade…

After the delay in getting GW12’s report to press, Paul Chapman struggles woefully to keep up with the games coming thick and fast over the festive period. Here’s Gameweek 13, and like Lukaku desperately trying to rediscover his goalscoring form, he’s rather snatched at the chance…

Top score of the week went to Thomas Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC, who was already in #1 spot having deposed yours truly. Now 19 points clear at the top of the table, Tom also sits comfortably around the 88,000th mark in the league overall (out of around 5.5million) and – get this – he’s 232nd in Belgium!! Don’t know any famous Belgians? Now you do *points at Tom*.

So how did Tom amass this weeks highest score? Well, success has many fathers I think they say, and 9 of Tom’s starting 11 scored 5 or more (but interestingly none more than 8 not including his captain). So certainly not a team that Pep could witheringly describe as ‘that Harry Kane team’, although that said Tom does have Harry Kane.

‘Has Lukaku lost his way?’ asked the BBC Sport website. ‘Yes he bloody has’ I replied.

My own team, Los Yobos, hung on to second place by the skins of their skinny skin skin, with a so-so 49 points, beating only 2 others in the top 10. Chief culprit for my team was Romelus Lukakus who failed to respond to my faith in handing him the captains armband, and instead contented himself with doing the bare minimum and just turning up. Just cos I get away with that in the day job Rom, doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for those in my Fantasy team, buck your ideas up son!

Salah has scored more fantasy points than any other player.

Creeping up to within 2 points of second, is my own flesh and blood, Gary Chapman with a decent 59 points. Like Tom, Gary – head coach at GFC (C) – benefited from having both Kane and Aguero in his front two. Will Aguero get regular game time or be alternated with Jesus? Lord above knows. Salah, Richarlison and De Gea were three of the increasingly ‘must-have’ players who also coughed up points for Gman. Plus the more left field choice Aké in defence.

Outside the top three, a poor week for Dan’s Lambeth Lightweights saw him drop to 5th, leapfrogged by Keith Lambert’s The Lamb. Always a dangerous opponent, has Keith been massaging his Lamb to peak over Christmas? I wouldn’t put it past him the filthy beast.

David Unsworth provides a definitive answer to ‘who ate all the pies’

Down at the sharp end, Rosbroch FC remained locked in a titanic struggle for bottom spot with Raised by Wolves. Even a creditable 52 points for Rosbroch wasn’t enough to get off the bottom but manager Scott Grierson is now just 3 points behind Alison Breakwell’s Wolves. Making a late dash for bottom place relevancy is the ridiculously monickered Ricko Lambermontini’s Un Pacquet A 40 Avec. Ricko’s joint lowest score of 31 could have been far worse if not for his captain Eden Hazard scoring 16 points for him, the other 10 averaging a meagre 1.5 points between them. That’s the sort of form that must have Scott and Alison worried.

Game week 14 takes place tonight and tomorrow, the deadline being 18:45 this evening UK time. Volunteers for reporting duties, report to the usual place…

GW10: Amidst the dross, points found in Sane

A case of after the lord mayors show this week. Gameweek 9 saw Chelsea score 4, City score 3, Arsenal smash 5 and Spurs stick 4 past Liverpool (I forget what United did). And Fantasy Managers gobbled up the points like Diego Costa at an All You Can Eat Buffet. Gameweek 10 however was a far more dour affair. Star name providers like Manchester United, Arsenal, City and Chelsea won again but by single goals. Likewise, in Fray Bentos, Gameweeks 8 and 9 saw you amused, delighted and tantalised by posts from Mike Pollard and Pats Alcantara. This week you’ve got me again. Suck it up.

Continuing that depressing start to the post, Donovan Lamberts Dilettante Donkeys had a shocker this week, the previous league leader getting the lowest score in our league. Against a competition average of 46 points, the Donkey’s managed a mere 28. Superstars such as Alli, Silva, Rashford and Otamendi all flopped. Not even Jesus could save him. To second with you Donovan!

Still, ‘one manager’s shitshow is another manager’s slightly less shitshow’ as the popular saying goes, and who’s this bounding into the space left at the top of the table like a promising Under-19s player at a Geordie Shore cast party? Why it’s only my own Los Yobos! The Yobos didn’t have a great week either to be fair, a disappointing 39 points being the score. Would have been better had Captain Salah not missed a penalty, thanks Mo! But I’m not one to look Harry Kane a gift horse in the mouth, top spot it is!

Staying in third place, Andy Dawkin’s Bottom by Christmas also had a poor week. His beloved Spurs lost IRL, and his fantasy team didn’t do much better. Bottom by Christmas managed just 33 points with Captain Otamendi returning Notalotti (double zero is still zero sadly). A possible silver lining, Andy still has Kane in his squad and he may yet bounce Andy back to the top spot before long.

4th and 5th swopped places, with Tom Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC leapfrogging Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) to go equal 3rd. Tom has bided his time, only playing his wildcard this week. With Leroy Sane captain (2×12) and the pick of the leagues surprise packages, Tom could even afford to bench Aguero! I reckon Tom is one to watch in the next few weeks…

Elsewhere, a league high score of 78 saw Matt Hope’s Don’t Watch That FC propelled to 7th place, with newly transferred in Leroy Sane (captain) and Arsenal goal threat Kolasinac at the back chiefly responsible.

1 point behind Matt in 8th is Daniel Sandford-Smoth’s Lambeth Lightweights whose 77 points came from Kolasinac (captain), Hazard, Davis and me. I mean Mee.

Little change elsewhere in the league given the generally low scores. Struggling towards the bottom, like George Bush Sr behind an actress, Alison Breakwell’s Raised by Wolves disappointingly regained the wooden spoon. Alison, like many managers, opted to give Mickey T at United the heave ho and instead bought in Watford wunderkid, Richarlison. Straight into the team, and the captaincy to boot, Richarlison returned the favour to Alison with just 2 points (2×1). A bit Rubbishison.

However, the battle at the bottom remains fiercely contested. Scott Grierson’s Rosbroch FC may be up to 36th but they’re only 4 points ahead of Alison. And just 5 points ahead of Scott, in the final relegation place, is Matthew Ashman’s Peachy Poo all Stars, a team far more used to being at the top end of table. Perhaps distracted by his current scouting mission in Japan, Matt not only had Kane upfront (and a benchful of non-players to keep Kane on the pitch) but he also made Aguero TRIPLE CAPTAIN, reaping a grand haul of 0+0+0 (total: 0). SAD.

Ahead of Matt, is blog favourite Pats Alcantara’s Pats’ Nice Boys. The Nice Boys had an average week with little of note. However, a quick glance of their transfer history suggests a tumultuous relationship between Nice Boys manager Pats and Hammers Sweetheart Chicharito. What’s the story there Pats???

He loves me… he loves me not…

See you next week folks, when hopefully we’ll have another guest poster. Fancy a go? Leave a comment below!