Well, so much for a quiet four-match Gameweek 31! Having expected some lowish scores, with perhaps some interest coming from the difference between the Free Hitters and the non-Free Hitters, we were instead served up with a Points Feast! And who was serving up the Goal main course, with a side helping of Assist and a Bonus Points jus? Firmino! No, of course not, MO SALAH!
Seriously, the guy is incredible. He’s the best player to be flogged by Chelsea for being rubbish since Kevin De Bruyne. Top points scorer ever in this Fantasy Competition I believe (citation needed) and he still has 7 games to go!
Huddersfields Stephen Mounie, accompanied by his WAG.
Unsurprisingly, Big Mo (what? Fellaini? – Ed) featured hugely in the league this week. 19 of the top 20 (I stopped counting after that) had Mo in the team, 15 of that 19 had him as Captain. Of the 4 who had Mo but Captained someone else, perhaps most gutted was last weeks’ #1 Gary Chapman of GFC © fame. Gary had Mo in the side but bravely – some would say mind-bendingly stupidly – captained a bloke I haven’t heard of, Mounie, of – I think – Huddersfield. Fair play, apparently Mounie had good shots per game stats coming into the game, but this is a gamble that did not pay off. In fact, as a gamble it failed so badly that it’d be no surprise to see Gary having to stump up £10bn to the DUP just to preserve his first place. But Gary doesn’t have £10bn. Still, Gary can be relieved in a way, as though his decision may have cost him top spot, he only scored 9 points less than new leader Trevor Garrett of Penfolds Patriots.
That said, Gary’s 63 points came from 9 players, Trevor’s 72 points came from 4!!!
Another leading team regretting not captaining Mo was Tom Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC, dropping down to 5th. Filling out the top 5, Andy Dawkins 2nd by Christmas are set to be 3rd by Easter and Andy Donkins Wellesley Wanderers remain 4th, having scored a decent 80 points while also splurging out 20 points worth on transfers. Has Donkin pulled off the masterstroke that will propel him to victory? Time will tell.
Again looking just at the top 20, 9 players played their Free Hits card (unlimited transfers, then your team reverts back to how it was the week before). Of these teams, Adam Gent and his False Flag Blues can feel proud of their work, top scoring for the week with a huge 113 points. And even more impressive, Nick Gauntlett and his Grunties managed 110 points without a Free Hit or any other performance enhancing substance (if you ignore the Cocaine laced with Viagra that Nick snorts through a used £50 every hour on the hour).
And who was the one team in the top 20 who didn’t have Mo Salah you ask? Why it’s 20th placed The English, one of two teams in the league who have a strict entry policy. In the case of The English it is players who like Sausage and Eggs for breakfast… actually, no, it’s players who are English. So no mystery that Mo ain’t there, but perhaps more of a mystery how a team with that severe a handicap got to 20th in the first place.
And the other team with a strict entry policy? Why that’s Pats Nice Boys of course! Pats Alcantara makes no apologies for only having ‘nice boys’ in his team, although eyebrows were raised when somehow Harry Kane got a pass given he bears more than a passing resemblance to the Gold Cup winner at Cheltenham. Pat interestingly chose to play his Wildcard this week, and looking at the players he’s chosen I can only assume that they are VERY good looking indeed, there can be no other explanation. Sorry Pat – tough love from IT Paul.
But Pat didn’t come bottom this week. This ‘honour’ went to a team who last week were being feted for their March form. But was it the kiss of death? This week the annoyingly named Dilettante Donkeys could only manage 10 points for their manager, which is roughly 30% of what Salah scored alone. After his strong run, was Donovan Lambert paid to take a dive by a shady east Asian betting syndicate? Questions to answer.
Glenn Hoddle, England
Last and, for the time being, least, signs of life from Raymond Conley-Smith and Alasdairs Army. After months of seeming inactivity, Raymond has leapt into action and has now made 3 transfers since February! And it’s paying dividends. In have come Tottenham’s Davies, Swansea’s Fabiwotsit and Liverpool’s Robertson, out have gone Glen Hoddle, Graeme Sounness and Bert Trautmann. The resulting 81 points this week means Raymond is now just 75 points off second bottom, too little too late? Stranger things have happened*.
That’s it. A longer update than planned, but god knows I owed this blog some love and attention. Keep your comments coming in, lots of fun to come, including some double gameweeks what with cup competitions etc. All to play for.
Up the Bentos!
*No, they haven’t.
‘That gobshite again! Is he never off the air!‘ So said Father Jack (from the series Father Ted) about Father Dougal, but he could equally have been referring to me and the frequency of these bloody gameweek reports. Or he could have been talking about
So who top scored this week? Not one of the usual suspects, this week it was James Griffith and the underachievers. And what a top score it was too. In a week where the league average was 47 points, James scored nearly double, 90 points! Impressive stuff. It’s the midfield that stands out, James having 3 of the weeks star performers. De Bruyne, Mane and Salah have all had their moments this season (Salah in particular who is the leagues star performer) but Ashley Young bagging 15 points must have been a particular delight. Nice work from Pickford at the back too, just one of the 18 goalkeepers in the Premiership better than England’s number 1 Joe Hart who let in 4 against Everton.
Fray Bentos 