GW14: Mo Salah Mo Points

‘That gobshite again! Is he never off the air!‘ So said Father Jack (from the series Father Ted) about Father Dougal, but he could equally have been referring to me and the frequency of these bloody gameweek reports. Or he could have been talking about Gary Lineker controversially fronting today’s World Cup Draw. Ooh, bit of politics.

Anyway, let’s just get this unpleasantness over with shall we, there’s another round of matches tomorrow after all.

So who top scored this week? Not one of the usual suspects, this week it was James Griffith and the underachievers. And what a top score it was too. In a week where the league average was 47 points, James scored nearly double, 90 points! Impressive stuff. It’s the midfield that stands out, James having 3 of the weeks star performers. De Bruyne, Mane and Salah have all had their moments this season (Salah in particular who is the leagues star performer) but Ashley Young bagging 15 points must have been a particular delight. Nice work from Pickford at the back too, just one of the 18 goalkeepers in the Premiership better than England’s number 1 Joe Hart who let in 4 against Everton.

An honourable mention goes to Matt Hope’s Don’t Watch That FC who have stealthily crept into 4th place, scoring a creditable 59 points (2nd best behind James was Gary Young’s Always Next Year whose very good 69 points was still a whopping 21 points less).

The Underachievers score was enough to steal November’s MOTM award at the death from Keith Lambert’s The Lamb. Congrats James, commiserations Keith. And who’s that sneaking into November’s Top 10 Managers? It’s Pats Alcantera and the Cheeky Boys! I mean Nice Boys.

‘Give over. Really?? England’s best keeper? Oh bless you.’

So, at the top, Tom Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC remain in top spot but a meagre 40 points mean’t they are now just 10 points ahead of Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) in second and my own Los Yobos who dropped to 3rd, a point behind my uglier, meaner, slightly fascist cousin. He hates kids too. And dogs. Just saying. Matt Hope sneaking to 4th means The Lamb are now in 5th, joint on points with Lambeth Lightweights. Worth pointing out just 20 points separates the top 6. What? It wasn’t worth pointing out? Suit yourself.

At the bottom it was more leapfrogging with Rosbroch overtaking Raised by Wolves yet again. Alison Breakwell scoried just 28 this week, just 3 more than the lowest score of the week, 25 points from Erik Lambert’s Muddy’s Men Utd. Chin up all of you, we’re not even half way through the season yet! What do you mean that hasn’t cheered you up? No pleasing some people.

Finally, I did a tiny amount of research into the top 10 teams and there’s a breakdown of the most popular performers below.

I thank you!

Mo Salah: 8
Harry Kane: 7
Dave De Gea: 6
Leroy Sane: 5
Baby Jesus: 4
Lukaku, Morata, Richarlison, GroB: 3

GW10: Amidst the dross, points found in Sane

A case of after the lord mayors show this week. Gameweek 9 saw Chelsea score 4, City score 3, Arsenal smash 5 and Spurs stick 4 past Liverpool (I forget what United did). And Fantasy Managers gobbled up the points like Diego Costa at an All You Can Eat Buffet. Gameweek 10 however was a far more dour affair. Star name providers like Manchester United, Arsenal, City and Chelsea won again but by single goals. Likewise, in Fray Bentos, Gameweeks 8 and 9 saw you amused, delighted and tantalised by posts from Mike Pollard and Pats Alcantara. This week you’ve got me again. Suck it up.

Continuing that depressing start to the post, Donovan Lamberts Dilettante Donkeys had a shocker this week, the previous league leader getting the lowest score in our league. Against a competition average of 46 points, the Donkey’s managed a mere 28. Superstars such as Alli, Silva, Rashford and Otamendi all flopped. Not even Jesus could save him. To second with you Donovan!

Still, ‘one manager’s shitshow is another manager’s slightly less shitshow’ as the popular saying goes, and who’s this bounding into the space left at the top of the table like a promising Under-19s player at a Geordie Shore cast party? Why it’s only my own Los Yobos! The Yobos didn’t have a great week either to be fair, a disappointing 39 points being the score. Would have been better had Captain Salah not missed a penalty, thanks Mo! But I’m not one to look Harry Kane a gift horse in the mouth, top spot it is!

Staying in third place, Andy Dawkin’s Bottom by Christmas also had a poor week. His beloved Spurs lost IRL, and his fantasy team didn’t do much better. Bottom by Christmas managed just 33 points with Captain Otamendi returning Notalotti (double zero is still zero sadly). A possible silver lining, Andy still has Kane in his squad and he may yet bounce Andy back to the top spot before long.

4th and 5th swopped places, with Tom Ashman’s Bench Warmers FC leapfrogging Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) to go equal 3rd. Tom has bided his time, only playing his wildcard this week. With Leroy Sane captain (2×12) and the pick of the leagues surprise packages, Tom could even afford to bench Aguero! I reckon Tom is one to watch in the next few weeks…

Elsewhere, a league high score of 78 saw Matt Hope’s Don’t Watch That FC propelled to 7th place, with newly transferred in Leroy Sane (captain) and Arsenal goal threat Kolasinac at the back chiefly responsible.

1 point behind Matt in 8th is Daniel Sandford-Smoth’s Lambeth Lightweights whose 77 points came from Kolasinac (captain), Hazard, Davis and me. I mean Mee.

Little change elsewhere in the league given the generally low scores. Struggling towards the bottom, like George Bush Sr behind an actress, Alison Breakwell’s Raised by Wolves disappointingly regained the wooden spoon. Alison, like many managers, opted to give Mickey T at United the heave ho and instead bought in Watford wunderkid, Richarlison. Straight into the team, and the captaincy to boot, Richarlison returned the favour to Alison with just 2 points (2×1). A bit Rubbishison.

However, the battle at the bottom remains fiercely contested. Scott Grierson’s Rosbroch FC may be up to 36th but they’re only 4 points ahead of Alison. And just 5 points ahead of Scott, in the final relegation place, is Matthew Ashman’s Peachy Poo all Stars, a team far more used to being at the top end of table. Perhaps distracted by his current scouting mission in Japan, Matt not only had Kane upfront (and a benchful of non-players to keep Kane on the pitch) but he also made Aguero TRIPLE CAPTAIN, reaping a grand haul of 0+0+0 (total: 0). SAD.

Ahead of Matt, is blog favourite Pats Alcantara’s Pats’ Nice Boys. The Nice Boys had an average week with little of note. However, a quick glance of their transfer history suggests a tumultuous relationship between Nice Boys manager Pats and Hammers Sweetheart Chicharito. What’s the story there Pats???

He loves me… he loves me not…

See you next week folks, when hopefully we’ll have another guest poster. Fancy a go? Leave a comment below!

GW7: Aguero injury a car crash for the Unconsoled

Sorry for the delay in this weeks round up folks, I was out last Friday with Sergio Aguero and it all got a bit messy, he should never have asked me to drive.

Someone else who had a shocker was Mike Pollard and The Unconsoled, dropping to 8th, with just 39 points. Mike opted to keep Aguero in his team, which is either a remarkable show of faith or perhaps Mike is just trapped under something heavy and can’t get to a computer. Sat next to Sergio on Mike’s bench was big Fellaini, who’s 16 points were as wasted as they were surprising.

Alvaro Morata of Chelsea walks off after being subbed

Dilettante Donkeys scored 63, and went top, although it didn’t all go Dono’s way what with Triple Captain Lukaku scoring a relatively meagre 18 (6×3) and his leaving of Doucoure’s 10 points on the bench. Like many others Donovan also saw Morata limp off for a prolonged stay on the physio’s bench, so interesting to see which way our league leader jumps this week.

Jumping to 2nd, perennial title chaser, Gary Chapman’s GFC (C) played their wildcard and reaped the benefits with a very useful 78 points. A strong 3 man defence returned 34 points, Richarlison chucked in 10 from midfield and a useful front two of Lukaku and Kane added another 25 between them, with Andy Carroll throwing in just the 1 point as he was mostly down the bookies and eating chips during his game.

Andy Dawkin’s blatantly lying Bottom By Christmas moved into third, thanks to another strong defencive unit, Doucoure in midfield, and Andy’s pin-up and Captain Harry Kane scoring 26 points (2×13).

Who needs Jesus? Mourinho resurrects Fellaini all by himself.

Top scorer of the week and leaping into 7th, was the previously unmentioned Lambeth Lightweights, marshalled by man about town and over-50s Batique champion Daniel Sandford-Smith. Key to Dan’s chart topping 88 was a whopping 51 points from his defence alone, incredibly featuring not one but two Arsenal players! Kev De Bruyne contributed 11 points courtesy of his match winning goal against Chelsea, and Jesus and Lukaku added another 17 between them.

Honourable mentions also to James Griffith and the underachievers (his lack of capitalisation, not mine – Ed) who displayed great use of the Triple Captain card to coax 39 points out of Harry Kane. And the third 80+ score of the week was inaugural Best Dressed Man of Fray Bentos frontrunner Pats Alcantara who’s Nice Boys scored a cool 80 points, catapulting them from their usual bottom spots to the heady heights of 30th. Nose bleed territory Pats and just 3 points behind a certain Matt O’Reilly in 29th, the tension in your gaff must be unbearable!

That’s it for this week. Always looking for volunteers to write a round-up, get in touch if you fancy a go, no standards too low.